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  • The Empowered Women Series
  • The Wonder List
  • Web Wonderland
  • Spirituality
  • Healing Verses
VILINA CHRISTOPH

A Woman's Story of Healing & Empowerment

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  • Home
  • About
  • Resources
  • Contact
  • Healing & Recovery
  • The Empowered Women Series
  • The Wonder List
  • Web Wonderland
  • Spirituality
  • Healing Verses
  • Shyla Cash Interview Image
    The Empowered Women Series

    Interview with Shyla Cash: Narcissistic abuse and emotional neglect survivor, and a coach at Grow Heal Change

    Shyla Cash is the life coach behind Grow Heal Change Coaching, a coaching practice that helps high-performers and creatives heal mind, body, and spirit. She believes childhood trauma can be a portal to experiencing our full potential. Shyla loves to witness the process of transformation as she guides her clients through the amazing journey into the life they desire. Her own trauma history involved a childhood filled with narcissistic abuse and emotional neglect. Through her own healing, she discovered the amazing ability for humans to transcend the pain of family dysfunction into confidence, personal power, resilience, and responsibility. Shyla just got married to her amazing husband Nathan, she loves to…

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    Interview with Dari Frampton: A woman on a journey of transformation, healing & discovering her true self

    24th May 2019
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    The Empowered Women Series

    Interview with Tanya Amidei: Sexual abuse survivor, life coach and a spiritual writer

    Tanya is one of the beautiful people I’ve met on Instagram. Her posts are deep and poetic and full of wisdom and truth. Her personal story is truly poignant but her strength, her spirit and her faith have transformed her into the woman she is today. Tanya is a Life Coach and writer who lives in Colorado Springs, Colorado. She is engaged and lives with an invisible illness called Dysautonomia, more specifically Ehler Danlos and POTS. She describes herself as a people person and some have called her a catalyst for human growth because of her innate ability to see people’s potential. She is passionate, a natural leader, values-oriented, intuitive…

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    The Rise of the Feminine and the next stage of my spiritual journey

    28th May 2018
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    Web Wonderland No.4: How your ancestors’ experiences affect you, learn to tap away your fear, and live a loveable life

    4th March 2017
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    Web Wonderland No.3: New life coming to fruition, crazy eclipse season, and a special bind magic

    19th February 2017
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    The Empowered Women Series

    Interview with Dari Frampton: A woman on a journey of transformation, healing & discovering her true self

    Dari is an old friend from my teenage years back in my hometown. For more than a decade I haven’t heard from her until one day in 2017 Dari got in touch with me while experiencing a personal crisis. She was on the verge of her own spiritual journey of self-discovery and awareness. Since that day, we’ve restored our connection and find ourselves on a very similar path of awakening and healing. By day Dari is a portrait and wedding photographer who loves capturing beautiful moments for people. She has always loved the creative arts but recently she’s grown a deep interest in studying psychology, astrology, ancient healing and wisdom…

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    The Wonder List: Goal, Gratitude, Inspiration & Affirmation for the Month of June

    5th June 2019
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    To my dear child

    4th September 2017
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    Sacred Mothering: how to be a soulful mother on a spiritual path

    23rd November 2017
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    The Empowered Women Series

    Interview with Laura Lee: Therapist and Coach at Scapegoats Anonymous

    Laura and I connected through Instagram a while ago and she’s definitely made my feed feel educational and enriching. Her posts are full of gems of wisdom and her self-awareness is inspiring. What I didn’t know about her was her “subtle” sense of humour 🙂 Here are Laura’s own words: Tell us a little about your life journey. I grew up in Brooklyn in a low-income family with middle-class amenities. The streets of Brooklyn are like the lines on the palm of my hand: imprinted on me, ingrained in my soul, and with so many divergent paths.  I’m the daughter of immigrants, my mother from Italy and my father from Korea.…

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    13th September 2016
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    Using crystals to access the subconscious and heal deep wounds

    28th November 2017
  • Amie Johnson Interview Image
    The Empowered Women Series

    Interview with Amie Johnson: Trauma survivor and a host of The HeART of Healing podcast

    I “met” with Amie via Instagram and instantly felt we have much in common. She’s recently come out of years of dealing with trauma symptoms and mental health (mis)diagnoses and is moving on in her healing journey. I always appreciate her heartfelt and honest posts, and find much wisdom in her words and story. Here are Amie’s own words: Tell us a little bit about your life journey. This question always gets me! I’ll give you the “nutshell version.” I was born and raised in a small, beach town in West Michigan. My childhood was a strange dichotomy of idyllic and awful. I had an emotionally and physically abusive dad, and…

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    25th September 2017
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    The Empowered Women Series

    Interview with Kathy Garland: blogger, writer and inspirational author at Kwoted

    I met Kathy in the wonderful blogging world and loved her stories and insights from first sight. I quickly committed to reading her blog Kwoted regularly and have never wasted my time – it’s full of practical wisdom, grounded spirituality, brilliant inspiration and deep transformation. I have the opportunity and pleasure to interview her and learn more about her healing journey. Here are Kathy’s own words: Tell us a little bit about your life journey. I was born and raised on the west side of Chicago. Shortly after I turned sixteen, my mother died from complications with kidney disease. A year after that, my father gave up his parental rights…

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    6th May 2019
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    The Empowered Women Series

    Interview with Elizabeth Johnsen: woman and mother on a path of healing and transformation

    In 2015 Elizabeth contacted me through my blog – she was the very first person to reach out in such a way. Quickly we felt a much deeper connection which grew into a friendship. Even though we’ve never met in person I feel we’ve known each other for lifetimes. I know Elizabeth has been through some hard times recently and it was painful to witness her journey “from afar” but nevertheless, I never stopped feeling for her. I’m happy to see and say that she has overcome the darkness. Here are Elizabeth’s own words: Tell us a little bit about your life journey. I was raised in New Zealand by…

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    Interview with Jonelle du Pont: blogger and writer at Tyranny of Pink

    Jonelle is a Mom, Wife, Ostomate, Writer and Community Development Practitioner!  She writes the blog Tyranny of Pink, a blog about intentional living, with a focus on living life positively, purposefully and authentically. In October 2014 she found herself unhappy with her life and the path it was leading her down. She quit her full-time job and decided it was time to do things that make her happy! In September 2015 she had her first child, Oden. His journey into this world nearly killed her. She woke up post-surgery with an unexpected stoma and her whole life completely changed. In that moment, she realised that she was finally living her authentic life and being…

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    12th April 2017
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    The Empowered Women Series

    Interview with Alexis Rose: Author of Untangled, a story of resilience, courage, and triumph

    Today I am introducing a new feature on the blog – guest posts and interviews from other authors, writers and bloggers. These would normally be people who have been through and have overcome certain adversities in their lives. They will be sharing their stories, practices and messages of transformation. Our very first guest is Alexis Rose, an author of the incredible memoir Untangled, a story of resilience, courage, and triumph. I found Alexis’s blog and her articles instantly captivated me. I went on to buy and read her book too and since then I’ve been feeling very connected to her and her journey of transformation. Here are Alexis own words: Tell us…

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Vilina Christoph Headshot Image

Hello & Welcome

I am Vilina Christoph and I write about my journey of healing and recovery from childhood trauma and abuse. I use words to transmute the pain and adversity into fuel for growth and empowerment. I believe we have the power to heal ourselves and transform our lives from within. I am passionate about helping women heal, grow and feel empowered to build and live a full authentic life.

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On Instagram

  • Oh Boy! The past three weeks have officially been the most intense for the whole year. But today is my birthday and I feel grateful for everything in my life and for life itself. I'm grateful for the people who appreciate me, who love me, who think of me. We don't need much in life at all. Sometimes a good book and a glass of colourful drink (especially when they colour match) is what makes us take a deep bow. Thank You Life ❤️
  • 💔 GRIEF (AGAIN) 💔 I want to share a bit about my experience of grief and how essential the process of grieving is. • I had wonderful time while on holidays but on some days I felt excruciating sadness and pain, aka grief. Of course, my first thoughts, product of my critical voice, were why now, why again, have I not cried enough already, have I not shed the pain yet, why do I still feel like this?... I really wish I was "over it" but trauma and healing are two unpredictable and uncontrollable experiences. You HAVE TO SURRENDER to the feelings. • On the other hand, those very feelings and emotions are the ones that will carry you over and heal you eventually. The more you try to suppress them, the more persistent they will be. I had to overcome the guilt and shame of still "feeling like this" and accept things as they are. I still feel pain, I still hurt, I'm still carrying trauma. I had to allow for the process and let go of control. • It was difficult to let myself be seen like this, to drop the guard and the walls of protection and strength, to be vulnerable and feel exposed. But a part of me needed this, the part of me that's still hurting. That part needs validation and acknowledgement, it needs me to accept and allow it fully. If it needs to cry - it needs to cry and I need to allow it. If it needs to feel sad - it needs it and I need to allow it. • This is the process of true grieving. My inner child needs me and I need to grief for everything I've missed on as a child. Moving forward won't happen if I don't let the grieving to occur, no matter how much and how long it takes. There's no other way forward than acknowledging your pain and feeling all the feelings of grief. • Do you resonate? ❤ • 📷 @nymphana_ ✌
  • Back from holidays now and settling in the city again while prepping for the school year to begin. Every time I take a break from social media it makes me think what I really want to do with my account. And, first, I felt I wanted to thank everyone who's sticking around when I'm not posting regularly and who's here and appreciating the content. I'm still on this journey of healing and I will continue sharing valuable information that I've found helpful. I want the healing of our traumas to become a revolutionary movement and I believe it slowly is. So many of us are waking up and willing to transform and transmute their pain, not just pass it on. I'm excited to be here, to live now and be a part of a global community of (self) healers. 💕 To you, to us - onwards! V. 💋
  • A piece of paradise in the northeast of Bulgaria 🏡 We're staying here with the fam till the end of the week, surrounded by farmlands and beaches. This land is one of the very few that have not been touched by developers and builders. In moments and places like this I'm proud to call myself Bulgarian because our land is magical and special, where the money thirst hasn't reached yet. Wishing you all a beautiful week, find some magic for yourselves and soak it up 🌞
  • Such a great post by Nicole @the.holistic.psychologist 🙏🙏🙏 • You not only survived in environments, you adapted to them. From parents who couldn’t be what you needed, to bullying, to pains that your tiny self couldn’t process. You’re still here. Never forget those past versions of yourself. You carry them with you, and they’re a consistent reminder of your resilience. Because you follow this account, you’ve chosen to go beyond the survivor. You’ve made a choice to heal. This is the most courageous thing a person can do in their lifetime. No other achievement comes close. Contrary to what our deeply confused culture continues to preach. I was the child hiding under tables. Afraid of anyone even coming into my house. At bedtime came night terrors— my parents dying of someone breaking in. My mother, carrying her own unresolved trauma, was unable to bond with me. And, in the alchemy that is the human experience, this would lead me to my life’s work. Trust the healing process. You’ll see just how much of your own suffering you create. You’ll learn that the biggest thing in your way is you and your self limiting beliefs. And that’s a good thing because YOU are the only thing you’ll ever be able to change in this life. Read that line again. Resist the ego asking “how much longer” or “when will I know it’s over?” With time you’ll understand the process itself is teaching you patience. It’s teaching you surrender. It’s teaching you how to connect to the most important voice you needed to disconnect from to survive: your own. Take a moment of gratitude below and acknowledge just how far you’ve actually come. Incase you haven’t been told recently, you are a warrior. I see you #selfhealers • Reposted from @the.holistic.psychologist
  • Playing with the foliage in my father's garden 🌿 We arrived today at his house with my son to spend a few days before heading to the seaside. I was getting a bit edgy after spending two and a half hot summer months in the city. It was good but it was time for a move before we plunge into school season in September. • Happy Full Moon in Aquarius tomorrow! Wish me fun on my travels, I'll be back in about 10 days 🌴🏖🌴
  • Sometimes I want to be already "healed", I want to feel "ready", I want to be doing everything I've been wanting to be doing. I feel impatient and I want to be "there" already. • However, I've learned to recognise that that's when my ego has takes up the driving seat. But my higher self knows that all that is an illusion. • The healing journey is a process, and not a linear one. Being healed isn't an end destination, it's a never-ending story, we wouldn't be here on earth otherwise. • Readiness is just a way of fooling ourselves that we can't have what we want right now. It's a way of avoiding fear and discomfort. But there is no growth without pain. • This is a reminder to take a step at a time, give thanks for your process and to remember to stop from time to time and enjoy the view from the path you're on. 💚🌿💚
  • ⚡ HIGH STANDARDS AND CRITICALNESS ⚡ • Another core belief/pattern from Schema Therapy is Relentless Standards and Hypercriticalness. It's one that I have and struggle with on daily basis. • In essence, the high standards we have towards ourselves and others usually serve as a compensation for the feeling of low self-worth. The relentless striving to be “perfect” is a way to soothe our feelings of shame, to avoid feeling rejected, or because of fear of failure. Another reason is that we could’ve grown up with critical, perfectionistic parents and that’s what we’ve learned and internalised. • Our high standards can come up as extreme orderliness (being pedantic), orientation towards achieving goals (being a workaholic), or seeking status (external recognition). These different behaviours compensate for different fears we might have. • The truth is that keeping up high standards can come at an extremely high price - most of our energy goes in keeping them and our health and relationships can suffer. Often we feel pressured and burdened by the weight and impossibleness of those standards. • I’ve noticed for myself that I can’t say “I don’t know” - I feel an internal obligation that I have to have the answers. To not know would mean that I’m less of a person, that I’m a failure, or not good enough. But the responsibility I feel is too great and the weight is crushing me. • High standards sap the energy, joy, pleasure, and spontaneity of life. You may achieve perfection according to your high standards but you will not have anything left in you to enjoy it. In fact, you’ll most likely find the next goal and work relentlessly towards that. But you can heal and stop the cycle. • Do you relate? How do you cope with your standards? 💚
  • 🍁 MY EXPERIENCE WITH EMDR 🍁 • The experience of EMDR is difficult to describe with words - it happens on a deep emotional level and words are not even necessary during the process. But I found it very gentle even though it could bring you to the deepest depths of your inner world. • That’s what happened to me - all the three sessions I’ve had so far took me to places I’ve not expected and even thought they exist. As a rule, you start working with a memory you have and then you follow the feelings, thoughts and sensations you feel with your body and mind. You continue following the trail until you usually come across the root, as I see it. • During my second session, I’ve discovered an emotional “tumour” in my chest area and I figured this was all the pain I’ve felt during my childhood years of emotional deprivation and neglect, stored within my body and around my heart. During the last session, towards the end, I found myself in a desert, which I figured was symbolic of how alone and lost I’ve felt as a child. • It was all very powerful and emotional. And even though it is difficult to confront these suppressed feelings, after that we could release the stuck emotions and integrate those painful memories. They become part of our story but no longer have an emotional hold over our present lives. • I’m looking forward to more EMDR sessions with my therapist and I can recommend it to everyone who’s suffered trauma in the past. I’ve read that it’s particularly helpful with a single event traumas and PTSD. Childhood trauma and abuse (and Complex PTSD) could be trickier and you may need to combine more that one healing approach. So far I’m grateful I’ve found EMDR and that it’s helping me with my childhood trauma. We also work with Schema during my therapy. • Have you tried EMDR? What's your experience with it? 🍁
  • I've had my third EMDR session and I'm amazed by its power in assisting healing from trauma. I've selected a few quotes from "The Body Keeps The Score" by Bessel van der Kolk @thebodykeepsthescore • Like many scientific advances, EMDR originated with a chance observation. One day in 1987 psychologist Francine Shapiro was walking through a park, preoccupied with some painful memories, when she noticed that rapid eye movements produced a dramatic relief from her distress.[..]Initially skeptical about her observation she subjected her method to years of experimentation and research, gradually building it into a standardized procedure that could be taught and tested in controlled studies. • EMDR loosens up something in the mind/brain that gives people rapid access to loosely associated memories and images from their past. This seems to help them put the traumatic experience into a larger context or perspective. • People may be able to heal from trauma without talking about it. EMDR enables them to observe their experiences in a new way, without verbal give-and-take with another person. EMDR can help even if the patient and the therapist do not have a trusting relationship. This was particularly intriguing because trauma, understandably, rarely leaves people with an open, trusting heart. • In contrast, EMDR, as well as the treatments discussed in subsequent chapters—internal family systems, yoga, neurofeedback, psychomotor therapy, and theater—focus not only on regulating the intense memories activated by trauma but also on restoring a sense of agency, engagement, and commitment through ownership of body and mind. • As we’ve seen, traumatic memories persist as split-off, unmodified images, sensations, and feelings. To my mind the most remarkable feature of EMDR is its apparent capacity to activate a series of unsought and seemingly unrelated sensations, emotions, images, and thoughts in conjunction with the original memory. This way of reassembling old information into new packages may be just the way we integrate ordinary, nontraumatic day-to-day experiences. 💚
  • Emotional Deprivation is one of the early maladaptive schemas in Schema Therapy. It is the fundamental belief that one's desire for a normal degree of emotional support will not be adequately met by others. It usually starts very early before the child is verbal and it crystallises as a deep feeling inside that he/she will never be seen, heard, understood, acknowledged. • It often is described as a feeling of emptiness inside, loneliness, and a lack of something essential. It's a very common condition but often hard to discover and pin down. Partially, this is because emotional neglect as described by many is not the act of commission (as in abuse) but rather the act of omission i.e. the feelings of lack and emptiness. • If you often feel as described above you may have felt emotionally deprived as a child. Your mother (or mother figure) may have not met your emotional needs adequately or consistently. She may have met some needs, like your physical needs, but may not have been attuned to your internal world or provided protection or guidance. • This may lead to unsatisfactory, disappointing and damaging relationship patterns which could only deepen your wounds. Schema Therapy is helpful in understanding the origin and workings of Emotional Deprivation/Neglect. And EMDR therapy could be helpful in working with painful and traumatic memories.
  • Do you feel guilty when you prioritise yourself? Is the guilt that you feel so much that you continually sacrifice your needs to avoid feeling it? • Many of us as Empaths and Highly Sensitive People are more prone to absorb the feelings of others and, naturally, we want to ease these feelings when they’re difficult or painful for the person. It’s a gift and a curse. • If we grew up in a dysfunctional and/or toxic families our natural ability to feel for others helped us to cope and survive. We found purpose in it and something we were good at, and probably praised for. We learned that sacrificing ourselves earned us love. • Most likely the process started as a voluntary act but with time this behaviour turned into our default way of being. Slowly we forgot that we too have needs and learned that to try meet them will cost us too much. It will mean that we’re not good people anymore and that love might be withdrawn from us. • Being an Empath and a HSP is something beautiful but we need to ask ourselves what is the motivation behind our behaviours. Is this something that we do out of true love for others that makes we feel fulfilled? Or is it because we fear that we will lose our influence over others and possibly even their love? Or is it because the feeling of guilt if we don’t fulfil the expectations will be unbearable? • It is a very fine line. Empathy is certainly something to be proud of and can be used in many ways to help others. But if we are coming from abusive and/or traumatic childhoods we need to perform a check on our behaviours. Because if we don’t, we only feed the dysfunction we come from and the cycle of abuse and trauma continues. 💕

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Recent Posts

  • Shyla Cash Interview ImageInterview with Shyla Cash: Narcissistic abuse and emotional neglect survivor, and a coach at Grow Heal Change
  • Childhood Emotional Neglect ImageChildhood emotional neglect – the hidden root of my pain
  • Tanya Amidei Interview ImageInterview with Tanya Amidei: Sexual abuse survivor, life coach and a spiritual writer
  • My Pain is My Power ImageMy Pain is My Power
  • The Wonder List June ImageThe Wonder List: Goal, Gratitude, Inspiration & Affirmation for the Month of June
  • Dari Frampton Interview ImageInterview with Dari Frampton: A woman on a journey of transformation, healing & discovering her true self

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  • Oh Boy! The past three weeks have officially been the most intense for the whole year. But today is my birthday and I feel grateful for everything in my life and for life itself. I'm grateful for the people who appreciate me, who love me, who think of me. We don't need much in life at all. Sometimes a good book and a glass of colourful drink (especially when they colour match) is what makes us take a deep bow. Thank You Life ❤️
  • 💔 GRIEF (AGAIN) 💔 I want to share a bit about my experience of grief and how essential the process of grieving is. • I had wonderful time while on holidays but on some days I felt excruciating sadness and pain, aka grief. Of course, my first thoughts, product of my critical voice, were why now, why again, have I not cried enough already, have I not shed the pain yet, why do I still feel like this?... I really wish I was "over it" but trauma and healing are two unpredictable and uncontrollable experiences. You HAVE TO SURRENDER to the feelings. • On the other hand, those very feelings and emotions are the ones that will carry you over and heal you eventually. The more you try to suppress them, the more persistent they will be. I had to overcome the guilt and shame of still "feeling like this" and accept things as they are. I still feel pain, I still hurt, I'm still carrying trauma. I had to allow for the process and let go of control. • It was difficult to let myself be seen like this, to drop the guard and the walls of protection and strength, to be vulnerable and feel exposed. But a part of me needed this, the part of me that's still hurting. That part needs validation and acknowledgement, it needs me to accept and allow it fully. If it needs to cry - it needs to cry and I need to allow it. If it needs to feel sad - it needs it and I need to allow it. • This is the process of true grieving. My inner child needs me and I need to grief for everything I've missed on as a child. Moving forward won't happen if I don't let the grieving to occur, no matter how much and how long it takes. There's no other way forward than acknowledging your pain and feeling all the feelings of grief. • Do you resonate? ❤ • 📷 @nymphana_ ✌
  • Back from holidays now and settling in the city again while prepping for the school year to begin. Every time I take a break from social media it makes me think what I really want to do with my account. And, first, I felt I wanted to thank everyone who's sticking around when I'm not posting regularly and who's here and appreciating the content. I'm still on this journey of healing and I will continue sharing valuable information that I've found helpful. I want the healing of our traumas to become a revolutionary movement and I believe it slowly is. So many of us are waking up and willing to transform and transmute their pain, not just pass it on. I'm excited to be here, to live now and be a part of a global community of (self) healers. 💕 To you, to us - onwards! V. 💋
  • A piece of paradise in the northeast of Bulgaria 🏡 We're staying here with the fam till the end of the week, surrounded by farmlands and beaches. This land is one of the very few that have not been touched by developers and builders. In moments and places like this I'm proud to call myself Bulgarian because our land is magical and special, where the money thirst hasn't reached yet. Wishing you all a beautiful week, find some magic for yourselves and soak it up 🌞
  • Such a great post by Nicole @the.holistic.psychologist 🙏🙏🙏 • You not only survived in environments, you adapted to them. From parents who couldn’t be what you needed, to bullying, to pains that your tiny self couldn’t process. You’re still here. Never forget those past versions of yourself. You carry them with you, and they’re a consistent reminder of your resilience. Because you follow this account, you’ve chosen to go beyond the survivor. You’ve made a choice to heal. This is the most courageous thing a person can do in their lifetime. No other achievement comes close. Contrary to what our deeply confused culture continues to preach. I was the child hiding under tables. Afraid of anyone even coming into my house. At bedtime came night terrors— my parents dying of someone breaking in. My mother, carrying her own unresolved trauma, was unable to bond with me. And, in the alchemy that is the human experience, this would lead me to my life’s work. Trust the healing process. You’ll see just how much of your own suffering you create. You’ll learn that the biggest thing in your way is you and your self limiting beliefs. And that’s a good thing because YOU are the only thing you’ll ever be able to change in this life. Read that line again. Resist the ego asking “how much longer” or “when will I know it’s over?” With time you’ll understand the process itself is teaching you patience. It’s teaching you surrender. It’s teaching you how to connect to the most important voice you needed to disconnect from to survive: your own. Take a moment of gratitude below and acknowledge just how far you’ve actually come. Incase you haven’t been told recently, you are a warrior. I see you #selfhealers • Reposted from @the.holistic.psychologist
  • Playing with the foliage in my father's garden 🌿 We arrived today at his house with my son to spend a few days before heading to the seaside. I was getting a bit edgy after spending two and a half hot summer months in the city. It was good but it was time for a move before we plunge into school season in September. • Happy Full Moon in Aquarius tomorrow! Wish me fun on my travels, I'll be back in about 10 days 🌴🏖🌴
  • Sometimes I want to be already "healed", I want to feel "ready", I want to be doing everything I've been wanting to be doing. I feel impatient and I want to be "there" already. • However, I've learned to recognise that that's when my ego has takes up the driving seat. But my higher self knows that all that is an illusion. • The healing journey is a process, and not a linear one. Being healed isn't an end destination, it's a never-ending story, we wouldn't be here on earth otherwise. • Readiness is just a way of fooling ourselves that we can't have what we want right now. It's a way of avoiding fear and discomfort. But there is no growth without pain. • This is a reminder to take a step at a time, give thanks for your process and to remember to stop from time to time and enjoy the view from the path you're on. 💚🌿💚
  • ⚡ HIGH STANDARDS AND CRITICALNESS ⚡ • Another core belief/pattern from Schema Therapy is Relentless Standards and Hypercriticalness. It's one that I have and struggle with on daily basis. • In essence, the high standards we have towards ourselves and others usually serve as a compensation for the feeling of low self-worth. The relentless striving to be “perfect” is a way to soothe our feelings of shame, to avoid feeling rejected, or because of fear of failure. Another reason is that we could’ve grown up with critical, perfectionistic parents and that’s what we’ve learned and internalised. • Our high standards can come up as extreme orderliness (being pedantic), orientation towards achieving goals (being a workaholic), or seeking status (external recognition). These different behaviours compensate for different fears we might have. • The truth is that keeping up high standards can come at an extremely high price - most of our energy goes in keeping them and our health and relationships can suffer. Often we feel pressured and burdened by the weight and impossibleness of those standards. • I’ve noticed for myself that I can’t say “I don’t know” - I feel an internal obligation that I have to have the answers. To not know would mean that I’m less of a person, that I’m a failure, or not good enough. But the responsibility I feel is too great and the weight is crushing me. • High standards sap the energy, joy, pleasure, and spontaneity of life. You may achieve perfection according to your high standards but you will not have anything left in you to enjoy it. In fact, you’ll most likely find the next goal and work relentlessly towards that. But you can heal and stop the cycle. • Do you relate? How do you cope with your standards? 💚

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