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VILINA CHRISTOPH

A Woman's Story of Healing & Empowerment

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  • Codependency as the origin of mommy guilt image
    Healing & Recovery

    How trauma and codependency in childhood can cause toxic mommy guilt

    I often question why I feel so much guilt as a mother towards my little boy. It’s not only crippling my own experience of being a mother but also sending inaccurate messages to my son which shape the way he views himself and the world. I feel stricken with guilt every time I feel the effects of my trauma. I blame myself for not being able to shake off the sadness or depression I feel, for the anger that sometimes I can’t hold or the negativity that my critical mind is keeping me a captive to. I feel shame every time I’m not at my best for letting my son down. When…

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Vilina Christoph Headshot Image

Hello & Welcome

I am Vilina Christoph and I write about my journey of healing and recovery from childhood trauma and abuse. I use words to transmute the pain and adversity into fuel for growth and empowerment. I believe we have the power to heal ourselves and transform our lives from within. I am passionate about helping women heal, grow and feel empowered to build and live a full authentic life.

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  • Remember that you're doing your best in any given moment. If you're like me and you're a survivor of trauma and/or abuse and neglect, it's very likely that you give yourself a hard time over almost anything. You've been taught to strive for perfection, you've been programmed to sacrifice yourself for others, you've been told you're never good enough. These messages have distorted your perception of yourself and your reality. • That this is not the truth of who you are. It's simply a distorted image and you can break through it. You can set yourself free. When you find yourself in moments of self-criticism and judgement, remember the above message. Compassion and empathy towards yourself will go a long way. 💜
  • What are the stories you tell yourself about your worth? Do you believe your worthiness is tied in to the achievements and goals you accomplish? Do you believe you're worth nothing if you you're not productive, you're not working, your ”numbers" are not high enough (even your followers count)? Do you believe you're a failure because you're not "successful" enough, not as much as others? • These are the stories we tell ourselves if we've been emotionally neglected, abused and traumatised as children. These are the messages we've internalised from our parents/caregivers who were also trapped in the same narratives. These are the legacies we're still carrying and possibly leaving and passing on to our children. • If we don't awaken to our traumas. If we don't heal ourselves from those generational legacies. If we don't raise our awareness and start reparenting ourselves. • Your worth is undeniable, unquestionable, unconditional. Your worth is your birthright. I know it's hard to undo what has been done but it's possible. It's possible to rewrite these narratives, it's possible to break the generational cycle, it's possible to heal these toxic legacies. • (Astrologically speaking, we're supported to do that by tomorrow's eclipse and the aspects it's making + Mercury retrograde mode at the moment). Sending y'all love 💕
  • 🎡THE TRUTH ABOUT CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL NEGLECT🎡 . Here are some quotes from the book "Running On Empty: Overcoming Your Childhood Emotional Neglect" by @drjonicewebb . 1. "The truth is, people suffering from Emotional Neglect are in pain." . 2. "There is a good explanation for why Emotional Neglect has been so overlooked. IT HIDES. It dwells in the sins of omission, rather than commission; it's the white space in the family picture rather than the picture itself. It's often what was NOT said or observed or remembered from childhood, rather than what WAS said." . 3. "All parents commit occasional acts of Emotional Neglect in raising their children without causing any real harm. It only becomes a problem when it is of a great enough breadth or quantity to gradually emotionally "starve" the child." . 4. "Many emotionally neglected children have parents who love them very much and provide them with every physical need. But part of parenting is seeing your child for who he is: not only noticing the things that he's good at, but also noticing the things that are hardest for him, and putting in the effort to make sure that he addresses those. Many emotionally neglectful parents are very caring, but simply ARE NOT INVOLVED WITH THEIR CHILD AT THAT LEVEL." . 5. "The definition of "neglect", according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, is "to give little attention or respect or to disregard; to leave unattended to, especially through carelessness." . Your trauma and pain are valid and very real but they could be overcome. 🙏💜🎡 . 📷 @chingonamanifest
  • 🙏 . To effectively parent my children, I had to abandon my need to be a mother... Your children are not your mini-me's. They are not here to re-live or re-create your life. They have their own divine plan. Yes, there are aspects of you that you see within them, for they serve as a mirror for you. A reflection, not a re-creation. Your role as a parent is to help cultivate your children's innate gifts and talents, providing guidance to enhance their ability to fulfill their purpose. . We create obstacles when we want a redo on aspects of our childhood, vicariously through our children. This is a selfish act. That time for you has passed and healing is required, not a do over. Your role is not to program them to be just like you, but to share your experiences. Share your strengths/weaknesses, challenges/accomplishments, obstacles/triumphs. This is how they learn and decide to incorporate the aspects of you that best suit them. . Your children observing you is not enough. The notion of parenting by being a good role model is mediocre. Your children deserve more. They need to experience your parenting. What does it feel like to them, not just what they see... and what they see it up to their interpretation because observations are filtered through their perspective. Thus, this is why it is important for you to share your experiences. Have candid conversations (age appropriate of course), but let them know who you are in addition to being a parent, mother or father. Who are you as an individual, and how do your children come to know this? . . . #drdovesays #blacktherapist #blackmentalhealth #blackwellness #blackawareness #blackconsciousness #therapyforblackgirls #blackmentalhealthmatters #spirituality #blackspirituality #africanspirituality #soulhealing #soulwork #enlightenment #mindfulness #childhoodtrauma #healthyself #consciousparenting #spiritualparenting #blackparents #blackchildren #mentalhealth #intergenerationaltrauma #innerchildhealing #innerchild #reprogramming #reparenting Reposted from @drdovesays
  • 🌻 EMOTIONAL NEEDS & CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL NEGLECT 🌻 Diving deeper and deeper in the subject, I start to understand that there isn't anything wrong with me for often feeling unseen, underappreciated and taken for granted by even my closest people. I never knew I could actually require more of them. I thought it's all my fault for being "like this", for wanting and needing more from my intimate relationships. I thought I was a burden, that I'm never happy, that I just want too much and can't appreciate what I have. • Now I understand I couldn't be more wrong. Learning more about Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), I see where I'm getting all these beliefs from and that they're dead wrong. That having emotional needs and attempting to meet them is absolutely normal and necessary for our thriving. Our emotions and emotional connections are the fuel for a content, meaningful life. It's no wonder that we often describe the feeling of not being emotionally (ful)filled and connected as emptiness. 💕
  • A throwback to last year in Greece ⛵ Wish I was there 🏖🐬💦
  • NO is a beautiful empowering word, sometimes a full sentence, we needn't be afraid to use more often. Less YES to others and more YES to ourselves is what I'm saying 🎶 Have a stunning week y'all 💕 . . 📷 @words_with_kings
  • Indeed, we may have internalised a lot of our parents' beliefs about ourselves, others and the world in general. Our parents' limitations and fears might have become our own too. • Don't mix potential with fear, don't mix growth with pain. If you're finding yourself struggling with progress and change, examine your belief system. If you don't receive support from your parents become the parent you wish you had. • Talk to yourself the way you would to your children. Talk to yourself the way you wish your parents would. It's possible to reparent yourself and heal your inner child. It's possible to free yourself from your parents' and your own limiting beliefs.⚡⚡
  • 💜 MEETING OUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS 💜 The missing link in healing childhood trauma and emotional neglect/deprivation • As survivors of childhood emotional trauma we may not know that to have emotional needs is normal, that we do actually have them and that indentifying and fulfilling them is crucial in healing ourselves and our recovery. • This realisation came to me after my last therapy session. I was seriously triggered by something there and felt pretty bad after leaving. But what I've so far learned during my therapy as an adult child who has suffered emotional neglect is that my emotional needs were never adequately met by my caregivers. • This gave me the insight that I don't even know I have emotional needs and that I can actually work towards satisfying them - expressing them in front of others, asking for help and support, giving myself time and space to fulfill them. • This process further gave me insight that I'm also unaware of my son's emotional needs most of the time. I make sure he eats, sleeps, goes out, plays, learns, etc. in healthy doses but there's more to parenting healthy children. Realising and fulfilling their emotional needs is crucial in order for them to grow into emotionally mature and mentally stable individuals. • Now, I feel with and within my mind, body, and soul that it's absolutely OK to need something, to ask for it, or to state a boundary (or to simply say no) with someone in order to fulfill that need. It certainly isn't selfish and it doesn't make you a bad person if you put yourself and your needs first before others('). People won't love you more if you put yourself last and they won't love you less if you express and pursue your needs. • Self-sacrifice isn't and will never be Love 💜
  • Hey guys! These are the powerful words of Tanya @_theycallherlove & I wanted to make sure that you read her inspiring healing story which you can access through the link in my bio (or subscribe to the newsletter if you want to receive healthy healing doses directly in your inbox!) • To me Tanya is a true warrior goddess, she's been through so much pain, abuse and trauma, yet she finds the courage, strength and grace to share her wisdom with others with the hope to help them heal and break free from their pain. • Once again, thanks Tanya for taking the time to guest post on my blog ❤ And you guys, go check out this amazing lady and make sure to read her interview. Lots of love, V. 💋
  • I'm continuing with my therapy and yesterday was a tough one. Last time we discussed Schema Therapy developed by Jeffrey Young to treat BPD. Schema is a belief we've constructed about ourselves as a result of our needs not being met in our early years (pre seven). • As a result of these early maladaptive schemas we develop certain coping responses and modes. It can get a little too complex and yesterday I found myself struggling. I was supposed to come up with names for these parts of myself, namely The Demanding Parent, The Vulnerable Child, The Compliant Surrenderer. • As I was struggling to understand the concepts, I found myself getting frustrated, irritated and angry. First at myself and when my therapist couldn't help me, at her too. I left the session cranky and dissatisfied and I wondered what is going on. I figured some of my schemas (beliefs) are being triggered. • I needed to identify the core needs that are not being met right now, which was the reason I was getting wound up. I went to bed and cuddled with a soft toy. I asked my partner to prepare dinner and go get some drinks. I was expressing and fulfilling my needs at the moment, and to do so is one of the goals of my therapy. • Shortly I figured that my internalised demanding parent had gotten activated. I was struggling to understand something and it kept pushing me, telling me I should and that if don't then I'm defective. My vulnerable child then kicked up getting frustrated and angry. What it needed was comfort and reassurance, time and understanding. I gave that to myself. I'm reparenting myself. • I'm also understanding better what my son needs too when my demanding parent goes outward towards him. We parent our children the way we were parented. But we can change that. We can become aware and become the parent we need towards ourselves and the parent that our children need. ❤
  • The Solar Eclipse in Cancer is bringing up a lot for us, illuminating areas of our lives we might have been blind to and unaware of so far. We can use the energies to heal and transmute these shadows, now that we can see them clearly. I'm currently looking into my own codependency and lack of boundaries issues in relation to my son in particular. Since the mother aspect is being heightened, it makes perfect sense. I've struggled as a mother and with mothering but I can see where these struggles are originating from. And they're intergenerational. They're the struggles of my female ancestors too. Now we have an opportunity to leave these unhealthy patterns in the past for good and clear some of our ancestral karma. Happy Eclipse Season 🌠🌘🌑🌒🌠 • Reposted from @drdovesays 👇👇 This solar eclipse energy in Cancer is highly potent. ⚡ This piece woke me up out of my sleep, ready to be birthed. If you know anything about the sign of Cancer it is all about the mother and maternal instincts. The struggle with self-worthiness is an area of my life that I've been exploring. These words spoke to me and through me, loud and clear. I was guided to share this personal piece with the intent of promoting healing. Is it time to explore aspects of yourself that might be intergenerational?

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  • Remember that you're doing your best in any given moment. If you're like me and you're a survivor of trauma and/or abuse and neglect, it's very likely that you give yourself a hard time over almost anything. You've been taught to strive for perfection, you've been programmed to sacrifice yourself for others, you've been told you're never good enough. These messages have distorted your perception of yourself and your reality. • That this is not the truth of who you are. It's simply a distorted image and you can break through it. You can set yourself free. When you find yourself in moments of self-criticism and judgement, remember the above message. Compassion and empathy towards yourself will go a long way. 💜
  • What are the stories you tell yourself about your worth? Do you believe your worthiness is tied in to the achievements and goals you accomplish? Do you believe you're worth nothing if you you're not productive, you're not working, your ”numbers" are not high enough (even your followers count)? Do you believe you're a failure because you're not "successful" enough, not as much as others? • These are the stories we tell ourselves if we've been emotionally neglected, abused and traumatised as children. These are the messages we've internalised from our parents/caregivers who were also trapped in the same narratives. These are the legacies we're still carrying and possibly leaving and passing on to our children. • If we don't awaken to our traumas. If we don't heal ourselves from those generational legacies. If we don't raise our awareness and start reparenting ourselves. • Your worth is undeniable, unquestionable, unconditional. Your worth is your birthright. I know it's hard to undo what has been done but it's possible. It's possible to rewrite these narratives, it's possible to break the generational cycle, it's possible to heal these toxic legacies. • (Astrologically speaking, we're supported to do that by tomorrow's eclipse and the aspects it's making + Mercury retrograde mode at the moment). Sending y'all love 💕
  • 🎡THE TRUTH ABOUT CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL NEGLECT🎡 . Here are some quotes from the book "Running On Empty: Overcoming Your Childhood Emotional Neglect" by @drjonicewebb . 1. "The truth is, people suffering from Emotional Neglect are in pain." . 2. "There is a good explanation for why Emotional Neglect has been so overlooked. IT HIDES. It dwells in the sins of omission, rather than commission; it's the white space in the family picture rather than the picture itself. It's often what was NOT said or observed or remembered from childhood, rather than what WAS said." . 3. "All parents commit occasional acts of Emotional Neglect in raising their children without causing any real harm. It only becomes a problem when it is of a great enough breadth or quantity to gradually emotionally "starve" the child." . 4. "Many emotionally neglected children have parents who love them very much and provide them with every physical need. But part of parenting is seeing your child for who he is: not only noticing the things that he's good at, but also noticing the things that are hardest for him, and putting in the effort to make sure that he addresses those. Many emotionally neglectful parents are very caring, but simply ARE NOT INVOLVED WITH THEIR CHILD AT THAT LEVEL." . 5. "The definition of "neglect", according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, is "to give little attention or respect or to disregard; to leave unattended to, especially through carelessness." . Your trauma and pain are valid and very real but they could be overcome. 🙏💜🎡 . 📷 @chingonamanifest
  • 🙏 . To effectively parent my children, I had to abandon my need to be a mother... Your children are not your mini-me's. They are not here to re-live or re-create your life. They have their own divine plan. Yes, there are aspects of you that you see within them, for they serve as a mirror for you. A reflection, not a re-creation. Your role as a parent is to help cultivate your children's innate gifts and talents, providing guidance to enhance their ability to fulfill their purpose. . We create obstacles when we want a redo on aspects of our childhood, vicariously through our children. This is a selfish act. That time for you has passed and healing is required, not a do over. Your role is not to program them to be just like you, but to share your experiences. Share your strengths/weaknesses, challenges/accomplishments, obstacles/triumphs. This is how they learn and decide to incorporate the aspects of you that best suit them. . Your children observing you is not enough. The notion of parenting by being a good role model is mediocre. Your children deserve more. They need to experience your parenting. What does it feel like to them, not just what they see... and what they see it up to their interpretation because observations are filtered through their perspective. Thus, this is why it is important for you to share your experiences. Have candid conversations (age appropriate of course), but let them know who you are in addition to being a parent, mother or father. Who are you as an individual, and how do your children come to know this? . . . #drdovesays #blacktherapist #blackmentalhealth #blackwellness #blackawareness #blackconsciousness #therapyforblackgirls #blackmentalhealthmatters #spirituality #blackspirituality #africanspirituality #soulhealing #soulwork #enlightenment #mindfulness #childhoodtrauma #healthyself #consciousparenting #spiritualparenting #blackparents #blackchildren #mentalhealth #intergenerationaltrauma #innerchildhealing #innerchild #reprogramming #reparenting Reposted from @drdovesays
  • 🌻 EMOTIONAL NEEDS & CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL NEGLECT 🌻 Diving deeper and deeper in the subject, I start to understand that there isn't anything wrong with me for often feeling unseen, underappreciated and taken for granted by even my closest people. I never knew I could actually require more of them. I thought it's all my fault for being "like this", for wanting and needing more from my intimate relationships. I thought I was a burden, that I'm never happy, that I just want too much and can't appreciate what I have. • Now I understand I couldn't be more wrong. Learning more about Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), I see where I'm getting all these beliefs from and that they're dead wrong. That having emotional needs and attempting to meet them is absolutely normal and necessary for our thriving. Our emotions and emotional connections are the fuel for a content, meaningful life. It's no wonder that we often describe the feeling of not being emotionally (ful)filled and connected as emptiness. 💕
  • A throwback to last year in Greece ⛵ Wish I was there 🏖🐬💦
  • NO is a beautiful empowering word, sometimes a full sentence, we needn't be afraid to use more often. Less YES to others and more YES to ourselves is what I'm saying 🎶 Have a stunning week y'all 💕 . . 📷 @words_with_kings
  • Indeed, we may have internalised a lot of our parents' beliefs about ourselves, others and the world in general. Our parents' limitations and fears might have become our own too. • Don't mix potential with fear, don't mix growth with pain. If you're finding yourself struggling with progress and change, examine your belief system. If you don't receive support from your parents become the parent you wish you had. • Talk to yourself the way you would to your children. Talk to yourself the way you wish your parents would. It's possible to reparent yourself and heal your inner child. It's possible to free yourself from your parents' and your own limiting beliefs.⚡⚡

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