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VILINA CHRISTOPH

A Woman's Story of Healing & Empowerment

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  • Codependency as the origin of mommy guilt image
    Healing & Recovery

    How trauma and codependency in childhood can cause toxic mommy guilt

    I often question why I feel so much guilt as a mother towards my little boy. It’s not only crippling my own experience of being a mother but also sending inaccurate messages to my son which shape the way he views himself and the world. I feel stricken with guilt every time I feel the effects of my trauma. I blame myself for not being able to shake off the sadness or depression I feel, for the anger that sometimes I can’t hold or the negativity that my critical mind is keeping me a captive to. I feel shame every time I’m not at my best for letting my son down. When…

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Vilina Christoph Headshot Image

Hello & Welcome

I am Vilina Christoph and I write about my journey of healing and recovery from childhood trauma and abuse. I use words to transmute the pain and adversity into fuel for growth and empowerment. I believe we have the power to heal ourselves and transform our lives from within. I am passionate about helping women heal, grow and feel empowered to build and live a full authentic life.

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  • Happy (Fri)day beautiful Souls 💖 Celebrate every day like it's a Friday! Stop for a moment and appreciate your surroundings, give thanks, say a prayer. You're a wondrous creation and life is a wild ride - make the best out of it 💋 My heart goes out to you! 📷 @laurenrichellequigley
  • ⚡WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU TO LET GO OF THE PAST AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE⚡ • 👉 "PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is not the person refusing to let go of the past, but the past refusing to let go of the person." (Help credit author!) • Sadly, common, well-meaning comments like this are very dismissive and could prove quite damaging for someone with trauma who's experiencing post traumatic stress symptoms. That is because there's a huge lack of education, knowledge and understanding around the concept of trauma and the complexity of its symptoms and effects. • So next time when someone gives you an advice that doesn't feel acknowledging or even downright diminishing, remember your truth and the truth about trauma and educate them. Use this quote as an example! ⚡
  • The last few days I had my father visiting and the healing between him and me, and what we carry as emotional trauma, is deepening. As he left, I'm focusing on allowing for my feelings to surface and not hold anything back or hidden behind. • Life's not always peachy and facing our trauma isn't all "love and light". But allowing for all our feelings to surface and just be with them, is crucial for healing those traumas. • I understood why and how I wasn't allowed to feel and show certain feelings - the ones on the "negative" side of the spectrum. I wasn't allowed to be in a "bad" mood, to be sad, or in any way not rosy and peachy. It was because my father was never allowed (he never allowed himself) to express his own feelings of sadness, disappointment or despair. • The other day, I just wasn't all chirpy first thing in the morning and needed some time to tune in and come to the light. My father immediately got triggered and then played the victim and blame/guilt game. Not intentionally, but completely unaware. • I caught that moment and even though it was hard for me, I knew I had to stick to my truth - I'm allowed to feel in whatever way I feel and not having to plaster a fake smile just to save someone some discomfort, even if that someone was my father. After all, all I needed was a few minutes for myself and that shouldn't be a reason for him to get personally offended. So I stuck up to my guns. • And what happened? - He started to cry. Suddenly, his feelings gushed in. I startled at first but then just held the space for his suppressed pain to emerge. I didn't say anything, didn't attend to "rescue" him, or cheer him up. I just allowed him to be. And sat with him, witnessing and allowing for the discomfort nonjudgmentally. • I wished he'd done the same thing for me just a few minutes earlier but what really matters is that I broke the cycle. We broke the cycle. He didn't know how to allow for the pain and how to transcend it, he's held a lot of it his whole life. • It's a small step but it's the first one of a sacred journey, a sacred task of healing generational emotional trauma that my father and I have carried for a long time. Until now.🔥🔥🔥
  • You Are Worthy As You Are ❤ I have my father visiting and not much time for myself. But there's always time to remind yourself of your worth! Every time I step out of my routine, I realise how much I value my time and everything I do, how much I actually love the way I've set up my life. You are worthy of the life you wish to have ❤ . . 📷 @theheraproject
  • The past few days I've been reading about and ruminating over the subject of Boundaries! It's such a trendy topic these days but I'm starting to understand the real meaning of it, beyond the superficial. .. There's difference in how we know something and in order to fully get it, we need to viscerally feel/experience it with all of ourselves - mind, body, spirit. .. I'm realising the lack of boundaries I've had and also why. As a child I learned I need to please in order to be loved and seen. I was raised as a caregiver and a home caretaker. If I didn't perform, I would be guilted, shamed and punished with withdrawal of affection. .. I grew up in a home where there was love but it was conditional. I learned to look after others and their happiness and wellbeing, but not after myself. It was never about me, there was no me. .. Even when I left home, the tentacles of emotional entanglement didn't leave me. They've kept me obedient and stifled my growth and individuation. As a result, I allowed others to take advantage of me, giving much and receiving none. Even in my family of choice. .. Now I feel how the caregiver role I had to assume early in my life and the emotional enmeshment that followed, have completely compromised a healthy development, part of which are the boundaries we have with others. .. The best way to start setting those boundaries is to start communicating NON defensively and reactively what you're comfortable with and not, what you wish to tolerate and not, which subjects are off-topic and which are allowed. Stay calm and be clear and firm. .. Good luck 💕 📷 @artery.therapeutics
  • ❤ "The healing journey never ends but it becomes less intense and easier to navigate and integrate." ❤ • Human Life is really all about experience. If we're not here to experience, then what else? Sit around and observe? - I don't think so. • Each day is an opportunity to learn through experience, to grow, to evolve, to heal. Sometimes the experience is a gentle one, sometimes not so much. • But at the end of the day, what else are we to do with our lives, how else are we to see our lives? I don't think it's easy but I believe we can make the experience worthwhile. • What do you think? 💋
  • "I don't feel angry or sad, I just want to hold myself, all of myself - my inner child, my inner teenager and adolescent, even my grown up, adult self - and cuddle them, comfort them, stroke their hair and wipe their tears; and tell them how much I'm sorry that they had to go through what they've been through and that they had to carry all these burdens, that it was never their fault and they didn't deserve any of it. That they deserve love and relationships with people who see them and want to be with them because of who they are and because they like them, not because they need them to feel better about themselves or need something of theirs. That they deserve to put themselves first and do things they want and empower them, that they're free to have a life of their liking and that no one, no one ever, is more important than themselves." ~ Vilina Christoph, Conversations with my Inner Self
  • ✨ INSIGHTS FROM YESTERDAY'S INCIDENT WITH MY SON ✨ When things go out of control and I don’t know what to do and say or how to act, this is when I lose my cool. I find myself at a loss and the feelings of powerlessness and helplessness are too strong, and that’s what makes me react in anger. It’s this moment of loss of control and power that trigger and dysregulate my system and things go bat shit. • So it comes down to the ability to regulate our nervous system and responses to (perceived) threats - the loss of control in my case. Early trauma, aka Developmental (incl. Attachment) Trauma, is the cause of not being able to regulate ourselves and self-soothe. Learning that skill is key in managing triggering situations - coming back to a feeling of safety, where you can think and act with the assistance of your “adult” conscious brain. • On the other hand, I think what I’m realising on a very deep level is what might be referred to as codependency and I’ve written about it before. I don’t know if I’m codependent but what I observe is that I feel responsible for my son beyond the what’s expected. When he acts in ways I don’t approve of and the control is lost altogether, I feel such a deep feeling of guilt and shame as if it’s all up to me. I forget that he’s his own person, he’s allowed to make mistakes and learn from them on his own without my presence and guidance. I’m there all the time for him but what I need to learn is that I need to let go a little, allow him to learn through his own experience. Otherwise, I stifle his individuality and independence and soon he’ll start acting out in rebellion. • I wanted to understand why I feel so unreasonably personally responsible in the context of my son. And the only thing I could think of is that it’s because this is how I felt as a child with my mother. Whatever she did while raising me up and whichever way she groomed me (I don’t have memories from my first 7 years), I believe I learned to feel responsible for her - happiness, moods, etc. If I didn’t make her happy, I would feel like the worst person and a total failure, I will then succumb to feelings of guilt and shame. • Continued in comments: ⤵
  • ✨ MOTHERING AFTER (CHILDHOOD) TRAUMA ✨ One of the most difficult tasks with and after trauma is being a mother. Especially after childhood trauma, especially if you’ve been abused and traumatised by your own mother. • Today, I lost it with my son. It’s been long since something like that happened, we’ve had tremendous success after he started working with a therapist and I’m progressing with my own healing and understanding of my trauma. I was more in control than ever before but I was still out of control. I was able to calm him and myself down within minutes but still, I lost it. A woman nearby who noticed how upset my son’s breathing was, came to tell me that she used to hit her son and now, having grown up, he’s got some sort of reflux, and she thinks it's related to this upset breathing in childhood. • She was “on my side” she assured me but wanted to point out his upset breathing and the fact that it could “stay with him”. It actually helped me to have somebody witnessing this occurrence - I wasn’t proud of myself but I wasn’t alone either. I helped my son calm down and we had our connection and affection restored. • I cannot explain how hard situations like this are. I know so much better now but still, there are times when I just don’t know how to handle him. The feeling of loss of control, helplessness and powerlessness is too much of a trigger. • These situations only really teach us about ourselves and our relationships. But it’s painful, it’s excruciating, and it could really trow us into the pit of shame, guilt, depression and despair. My son got over it fairly quickly but me…it stays with me and it could eat me from the inside if I let it. • I knew I had to do something, some self-care. So a nutritious meal, a good music, and actually a dance to shake the stuck energy off my body, is what helped me get out of my head. And of course, sharing this experience with the hope it serves you and helps you being a mother after experiencing trauma.❤
  • ✨ GROWTH & SUCCESS IN THE CONTEXT OF TRAUMA ✨ The secret to growth and success is no longer a secret. We all know that in order to change and evolve we need to push through our comfort zones. But what no one is telling us (and I had to figure out by myself) is that we can actually experience comfortable doses of discomfort. .. If you've been traumatised, you'll know that going head first and jumping in the deep waters, will actually re-traumatise you. When we're exposing ourselves to triggers, we need to do it within measure, within what feels healthily uncomfortable. Otherwise we risk spiralling back into our worst fears and experiences. .. We still need to reach out beyond comfort and perceived safety if we want to truly heal and go after what we desire but in steady, measured paces. The truth is that it'll still feel challenging and triggering, your brain will still be flipping. But if you're prepared and aware, you'll be able to handle it. Always line up some soft self-care after exposure, so that you can sooth your nervous system. .. Know it's normal to feel that way because of your trauma symptoms, be gentle with yourself, and remember to not take it as if you're failing or you should be doing better. You're doing the best you can 💋
  • If it's Mother's Day where you live and you never really had a Mother - the person to unconditionally love you and hold space for the whole of you with all of your emotions, imperfections and mistakes, I want you to know that you deserved to be loved and cherished. If your mother couldn't be there for you - that's her omission and not your fault. If your mother rejected you, abandoned you, criticised or hurt you - it's her own trauma and illness not your wrongness or badness. .. Many of us didn't have the mothers we deserved, we were deeply hurt and are still recovering from the loss and effects of trauma and abuse. .. Thank you for being here, thank you for doing the work, thank you for healing yourself, thank you for breaking the cycle of trauma and abuse. Thank you for becoming your own mother, for mothering yourself with love, acceptance and appreciation, for learning to love and care for yourself unconditionally. .. I am proud of you, I love you, and this day is yours to celebrate too 💕❤💋
  • I've been quiet this week while working on the back scene. Unplanned, I updated my website so please go and have a look - I'm so proud of it! What felt particularly good was that my work of years is really coming together. I've been through so many stages of transformation during the past 5 years and everything I've created has been changing too. My purpose, my focus, and my message are more clear than ever and so is the visual representation of it. .. I can look towards the future now and feel hope, purpose, direction. For years I've been in the dark, feeling lost and confused, but internally knowing and trusting that all the work I'm doing on myself, will pay off one day. The more I learn about myself - why I feel, think, behave and act in certain ways - the more freedom and power I have to change the scripts that have been unconsciously running my whole life. .. Discomfort is a part of the life experience and growth and there's nothing wrong and unusual in feeling it. It will always be there. Don't let your past hold you back and prevent you from growing and evolving. The life in front of you deserves to be reached for. Happy Friday 💕

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  • Happy (Fri)day beautiful Souls 💖 Celebrate every day like it's a Friday! Stop for a moment and appreciate your surroundings, give thanks, say a prayer. You're a wondrous creation and life is a wild ride - make the best out of it 💋 My heart goes out to you! 📷 @laurenrichellequigley
  • ⚡WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU TO LET GO OF THE PAST AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE⚡ • 👉 "PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) is not the person refusing to let go of the past, but the past refusing to let go of the person." (Help credit author!) • Sadly, common, well-meaning comments like this are very dismissive and could prove quite damaging for someone with trauma who's experiencing post traumatic stress symptoms. That is because there's a huge lack of education, knowledge and understanding around the concept of trauma and the complexity of its symptoms and effects. • So next time when someone gives you an advice that doesn't feel acknowledging or even downright diminishing, remember your truth and the truth about trauma and educate them. Use this quote as an example! ⚡
  • The last few days I had my father visiting and the healing between him and me, and what we carry as emotional trauma, is deepening. As he left, I'm focusing on allowing for my feelings to surface and not hold anything back or hidden behind. • Life's not always peachy and facing our trauma isn't all "love and light". But allowing for all our feelings to surface and just be with them, is crucial for healing those traumas. • I understood why and how I wasn't allowed to feel and show certain feelings - the ones on the "negative" side of the spectrum. I wasn't allowed to be in a "bad" mood, to be sad, or in any way not rosy and peachy. It was because my father was never allowed (he never allowed himself) to express his own feelings of sadness, disappointment or despair. • The other day, I just wasn't all chirpy first thing in the morning and needed some time to tune in and come to the light. My father immediately got triggered and then played the victim and blame/guilt game. Not intentionally, but completely unaware. • I caught that moment and even though it was hard for me, I knew I had to stick to my truth - I'm allowed to feel in whatever way I feel and not having to plaster a fake smile just to save someone some discomfort, even if that someone was my father. After all, all I needed was a few minutes for myself and that shouldn't be a reason for him to get personally offended. So I stuck up to my guns. • And what happened? - He started to cry. Suddenly, his feelings gushed in. I startled at first but then just held the space for his suppressed pain to emerge. I didn't say anything, didn't attend to "rescue" him, or cheer him up. I just allowed him to be. And sat with him, witnessing and allowing for the discomfort nonjudgmentally. • I wished he'd done the same thing for me just a few minutes earlier but what really matters is that I broke the cycle. We broke the cycle. He didn't know how to allow for the pain and how to transcend it, he's held a lot of it his whole life. • It's a small step but it's the first one of a sacred journey, a sacred task of healing generational emotional trauma that my father and I have carried for a long time. Until now.🔥🔥🔥
  • You Are Worthy As You Are ❤ I have my father visiting and not much time for myself. But there's always time to remind yourself of your worth! Every time I step out of my routine, I realise how much I value my time and everything I do, how much I actually love the way I've set up my life. You are worthy of the life you wish to have ❤ . . 📷 @theheraproject
  • The past few days I've been reading about and ruminating over the subject of Boundaries! It's such a trendy topic these days but I'm starting to understand the real meaning of it, beyond the superficial. .. There's difference in how we know something and in order to fully get it, we need to viscerally feel/experience it with all of ourselves - mind, body, spirit. .. I'm realising the lack of boundaries I've had and also why. As a child I learned I need to please in order to be loved and seen. I was raised as a caregiver and a home caretaker. If I didn't perform, I would be guilted, shamed and punished with withdrawal of affection. .. I grew up in a home where there was love but it was conditional. I learned to look after others and their happiness and wellbeing, but not after myself. It was never about me, there was no me. .. Even when I left home, the tentacles of emotional entanglement didn't leave me. They've kept me obedient and stifled my growth and individuation. As a result, I allowed others to take advantage of me, giving much and receiving none. Even in my family of choice. .. Now I feel how the caregiver role I had to assume early in my life and the emotional enmeshment that followed, have completely compromised a healthy development, part of which are the boundaries we have with others. .. The best way to start setting those boundaries is to start communicating NON defensively and reactively what you're comfortable with and not, what you wish to tolerate and not, which subjects are off-topic and which are allowed. Stay calm and be clear and firm. .. Good luck 💕 📷 @artery.therapeutics
  • ❤ "The healing journey never ends but it becomes less intense and easier to navigate and integrate." ❤ • Human Life is really all about experience. If we're not here to experience, then what else? Sit around and observe? - I don't think so. • Each day is an opportunity to learn through experience, to grow, to evolve, to heal. Sometimes the experience is a gentle one, sometimes not so much. • But at the end of the day, what else are we to do with our lives, how else are we to see our lives? I don't think it's easy but I believe we can make the experience worthwhile. • What do you think? 💋
  • "I don't feel angry or sad, I just want to hold myself, all of myself - my inner child, my inner teenager and adolescent, even my grown up, adult self - and cuddle them, comfort them, stroke their hair and wipe their tears; and tell them how much I'm sorry that they had to go through what they've been through and that they had to carry all these burdens, that it was never their fault and they didn't deserve any of it. That they deserve love and relationships with people who see them and want to be with them because of who they are and because they like them, not because they need them to feel better about themselves or need something of theirs. That they deserve to put themselves first and do things they want and empower them, that they're free to have a life of their liking and that no one, no one ever, is more important than themselves." ~ Vilina Christoph, Conversations with my Inner Self
  • ✨ INSIGHTS FROM YESTERDAY'S INCIDENT WITH MY SON ✨ When things go out of control and I don’t know what to do and say or how to act, this is when I lose my cool. I find myself at a loss and the feelings of powerlessness and helplessness are too strong, and that’s what makes me react in anger. It’s this moment of loss of control and power that trigger and dysregulate my system and things go bat shit. • So it comes down to the ability to regulate our nervous system and responses to (perceived) threats - the loss of control in my case. Early trauma, aka Developmental (incl. Attachment) Trauma, is the cause of not being able to regulate ourselves and self-soothe. Learning that skill is key in managing triggering situations - coming back to a feeling of safety, where you can think and act with the assistance of your “adult” conscious brain. • On the other hand, I think what I’m realising on a very deep level is what might be referred to as codependency and I’ve written about it before. I don’t know if I’m codependent but what I observe is that I feel responsible for my son beyond the what’s expected. When he acts in ways I don’t approve of and the control is lost altogether, I feel such a deep feeling of guilt and shame as if it’s all up to me. I forget that he’s his own person, he’s allowed to make mistakes and learn from them on his own without my presence and guidance. I’m there all the time for him but what I need to learn is that I need to let go a little, allow him to learn through his own experience. Otherwise, I stifle his individuality and independence and soon he’ll start acting out in rebellion. • I wanted to understand why I feel so unreasonably personally responsible in the context of my son. And the only thing I could think of is that it’s because this is how I felt as a child with my mother. Whatever she did while raising me up and whichever way she groomed me (I don’t have memories from my first 7 years), I believe I learned to feel responsible for her - happiness, moods, etc. If I didn’t make her happy, I would feel like the worst person and a total failure, I will then succumb to feelings of guilt and shame. • Continued in comments: ⤵

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