It’s been more than a year since my last post. As the pandemic was taking over the world and thus dominating our concerns and worries, I retrieved into my inner world. At the beginning of it all, I was happy that I could take the time to disconnect from the daily stressors of life. I was wise enough to use the time to truly sink in the experience of continuing my healing journey. Spending the days with my son, who was at home all day, gave us an opportunity for much “repair” to be done.
In attachment theory, the “good enough parent” is not a perfect parent. The good-enough parents make mistakes because as human beings we are all fallible by default. What truly matters in terms of attachment and forming a secure relationship between a parent and a child, is what is called the “rupture and repair” process. As parents, it often happens that we rupture our connection with our children. But if we are self-aware and emotionally intelligent enough, we will soon repair the rupture.
If it so happens that we don’t complete the process and the ruptures stay “open”, this will accumulate and eventually form what is called an “attachment trauma” in the child. The good news is that it is never too late to start the “repair process”. Yes, it will be more complex in general and difficult to wade through the murky waters of the out-of-balance relationship with your kid(s), but better late than never.
It is absolutely possible to heal your relationships even after incurred trauma.
When last year the world slowed down and we were forced to isolate in our homes, it was the perfect opportunity for me to focus on repairing what was once broken in our relationship with my son. The word “broken” isn’t even the right one. More accurately, these are missed opportunities in the past to build a stable and secure relationship. Again, looking on the bright side of things – what matters is that we realise this and use the newly presented opportunities for healing.
At the same time, the pandemic gave me time to reflect on the time I have spent in Ireland, 9 years of my life. I am currently working through this section of my life with my therapist, pealing the layers one by one. If I have to be honest, I have to admit that I left the country with no small amount of resentment.
The truth is that many of my experiences there unlocked many wounds and triggered multiple layers of my childhood trauma. It was all very poignant but those experiences led me on my path of healing. What I went through was nobody’s fault, not even mine. Those same things would have happened to me whenever I was – we can’t escape our path.
The time spent in lockdown helped me to process some of these feelings. I realised that I have received much support from many people. And even though it didn’t feel like this at the time, when I look back now, I can see it and appreciate it. I am slowly coming to terms with the experience and integrating it.
Overall, the time of the pandemic has been “productive” for me, making big strides on my healing journey. Here’s another beautiful thing:
The more we progress on our journey, the biggest the steps we make become. What felt like baby steps at the beginning now feels like the steps of a giant.
So how were those times for you? Were you able to use it to do some inner work and healing? I truly hope you did and even if you didn’t and you found it challenging, remember it is never too late to start healing those “ruptures”. With love, Vilina x