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The year 2023 – Finding Safety Within and Reaching the Surface
Here we are into the new year 2024! For the first time in many years, I can say the past year was quiet, stable, even uneventful. But thinking again – it was not really. I feel a sense of steadiness and stability, but at the same time, significant events shook my world. Losing my grandmother and adopting a kitten In the summer of 2023 my grandmother passed away at the age of 92. She was a true warrior, born long ago and having lived through diverse times, including World War II. She was like a beacon whose light has faded, but we will never forget her strong spirit. May she…
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A breast screening and a message of trust
Last week I went for a breast check for the first time in 7 years. The last time I did was in 2015, a few months after my sister died of breast cancer. It wasn’t a surprise that the check-up was triggering. The first thing the doctor asked me was, Are there any complaints? And my answer was, I have a family history of breast cancer. He laughed and said that this was not a complaint, and we proceeded to the examination. I was lost in my thoughts when he said I had cysts in both breasts. At this point my heart started pounding and it was the only thing…
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Eclipse season, covid and hitting rock bottom
The migraine started one day before the first eclipse on October 25th – a solar eclipse in Scorpio, which is where the south lunar node is located at the moment and where my natal south node also is. Without going into details, the lunar nodes are an important part of one’s astrological birth chart. Very generally speaking, the south node indicates where we feel comfortable and is connected with our past and the north node is where our soul wants to progress and grow, and that usually feels unfamiliar and scary. The lunar nodes are positioned on an axis and now the south node is in Scorpio and the north…
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Start of the school year and the nervous system
The start of the school year is pretty much the start of The Year for a parent. And here we are, another school year is beginning for our son in a few days. With all the arrangements and engagements around it, come all the stressors and negative emotions associated with it. Past experiences paint in black what’s to come in the future. It’s how trauma works. Trauma keeps you stuck in the past. Unresolved experiences and emotions from the past prevent you from moving forward and focusing on the here and now. Your nervous system is stuck in a threat response and focused purely on ensuring survival. It’s biologically not…
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The good, the bad, and everything in between – the blessings of another Christmas
So there we have it – Christmas is done and gone, for another year. A magical and somewhat sad time. On the day before Christmas, Sylvie was already stressing that Christmas will be gone soon. It’s hard living and being in the moment, even for an 8-year-old kid. You wait for this special day and before you know it – it’s in the past. But before that, there was the opening of the presents! Who doesn’t love presents?! And not because of the stuff you get, but because of the thoughtfulness of the people who give you the presents. That is a feeling you want to keep with yourself for…
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The importance of keeping the connection with yourself
I’ve been staying at my father’s house for two weeks now. Because he lives in England, we don’t get to spend much time together. In fact, we’ve been living in different parts of the world for the last almost 15 years. However, every year for the last 5 years he’s been coming to visit his childhood home and I’ve been using this opportunity to spend time with him. We’ve been through many stages in our mutual life journey. We’ve certainly had many difficult phases but somehow we’re managing to keep our relationship alive. Furthermore, every single year has been different as I’ve been progressing on my healing path. Still, in…
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The pandemic as an opportunity to continue healing – repairing what was once ruptured
It’s been more than a year since my last post. As the pandemic was taking over the world and thus dominating our concerns and worries, I retrieved into my inner world. At the beginning of it all, I was happy that I could take the time to disconnect from the daily stressors of life. I was wise enough to use the time to truly sink in the experience of continuing my healing journey. Spending the days with my son, who was at home all day, gave us an opportunity for much “repair” to be done. In attachment theory, the “good enough parent” is not a perfect parent. The good-enough parents…
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A turning point on my healing journey – experiencing an emotional flashback and remembering my past
A few days ago I had my most intense emotional flashback. Now, if you don’t know what is an emotional flashback or what it feels like, you’re not alone. For sure, I’ve read about them in my research on childhood trauma and Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD) but I haven’t experienced one. Or at least I didn’t know at the time. An emotional flashback is an intense emotional reaction, many describe it as a sort of flooding of emotion, usually as a result of a trigger – an event, a situation, it could be something someone says, and how that makes you feel. Triggers could be many and they…
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Letting go (of what no longer serves us) never goes out of fashion
New year, new me? Well, there is no need for a new me every new year if you’re OK with yourself and feel enough as you are. But certainly, there are situations, relationships, even people that need to be let go of. More accurately – it’s the type of relationships I’m having with certain people, or even more accurately – the expectations I have from them. I’m going through an “interesting” process – as I’m healing my childhood trauma more and more, I realise the triggers and traps I fall into more and more. As early childhood trauma is an attachment trauma in its essence, it’s a relational trauma too. That…
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I am the person I am today because of my trauma, not despite it
My biggest battle is accepting my childhood trauma and the effects it has had and continues to have on my life and its overall quality. More accurately, I struggle the most with accepting that because of my posttraumatic stress responses, my role as a mother has been impaired. As a victim of childhood abuse and trauma, I am especially sensitive towards the fact that because of my own “condition” my child is suffering too. I can easily go down the spiral of blaming myself for not being the mother I wish I could be, for the things I have done or haven’t done because I wasn’t well myself. Because I am…
