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VILINA CHRISTOPH

A Woman's Story of Healing & Empowerment

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  • On Support And Being In The Flow Image
    Healing & Recovery

    On support and being in the flow

    Lately, I’ve been thinking about support A LOT. I’ve been thinking about having a support system and how to build one. How to go about it? I’m realising this is something missing from my life. I do have support in general but I don’t have any support on real actual level – I still feel pretty on my own most of the time. I’ve been enjoying connecting with fellow bloggers and I have to say that I do feel part of a small community here on WordPress. Recently, I’ve made it part of my routine to read others’ blog posts every Sunday night (and Monday morning possibly) when I get my…

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    Web Wonderland No.5: The importance of a support system, working with the medicine wheel and being yourself while changing the world

    Hey you! Back on the chair, I’m determined to present you with some useful information around the web. But first… In fairness, though, life is intense… I’ve been mainly spending time with my son Sylvian, doing school runs, parks, parents’ meetings and the likes. And talking to his new teacher/carer. Well, things are complicated but I’m willing to work with the issues and repair as much of what has been done in the past. The truth is that we are a collection, or a collage, of what we have been through and what has happened so we have to work with our wounds and scars and try heal them as…

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    The death of the Ego

    1st October 2015
Vilina Christoph Headshot Image

Hello & Welcome

I am Vilina Christoph and I write about my journey of healing and recovery from childhood trauma and abuse. I use words to transmute the pain and adversity into fuel for growth and empowerment. I believe we have the power to heal ourselves and transform our lives from within. I am passionate about helping women heal, grow and feel empowered to build and live a full authentic life.

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  • As I am diving deeper into Schema Therapy (Google it out!) and reading the book Reinventing Your Life by its creator Dr Jeffrey Young, which is about working with our original fears (e.g. early maladaptive schemas), I'm starting to understand so much about the way I was raised and the type of parenthood I received. And I'm understanding ONE FUNDAMENTAL thing that the majority of people, especially girls and women, have received as a lesson: ⤵⤵⤵⤵ "If you put your needs first before others' (namely your parents/primary caregivers), you are SELFISH." As girls we are taught very early in life that we need to put our families first - parents, children, partners, extended family. The woman is the pillar that holds the family and as such she needs to sacrifice all her needs in the name of her family. Her own wellbeing comes second, if not last after everyone else's. ... (Pleased leave a comment if you haven't received such early programming! You're one of the few!) ... Many of us grow up without even realising this - we're doing it by default. This belief is so deeply and so early internalised that we don't even question it. And to a degree, this pattern of behaviour is right - we care about the people we love and naturally we want to take care of them, nurture them. ... But that behaviour isn't right, and certainly isn't healthy, when it's at the expense of our wellbeing and the fulfilling of our own needs, be it physical or emotional or social. We are also human beings, like our parents, children and partners, and as such we naturally also have needs. To deny them is a denial of our nature. ... For some of you this might not be a great "discovery" but for someone who as a child has been emotionally deprived and taught that to earn love they need to put others' needs first and that they had to suppress their own ones otherwise they'll get punished, it is. This was my childhood. ... If you're one of US, you're not alone! Learning about our early programming is a step towards changing the pattern. We can break the damaging intergenerational cycle. Maybe for the time being, at that level, people needed to stick to these survival mechanisms. But we don't need to anymore🔥
  • 💔 CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL NEGLECT AND PARENTAL GUILT 💔 (vulnerable post alert) • I woke up ridden with guilt this morning. Actually, it started last night. My partner and son are visiting family in Ireland and I have a couple of days for myself at home. I spoke to them just before going to bed and after we finished, my mind was flooded with worrisome thoughts. • The thoughts just came, seemingly out of nowhere. I've been processing something HUGE the past few days after my last therapy + EMDR session (I'll share about this separately). I've been processing my own original wound or the "tumour" stuck in my chest, as I called it. I came face to face with the source of all of my pain - my early childhood emotional trauma + neglect. • That's a good thing and I'm glad I opened the door towards what has been neatly packaged and carefully tucked away at the furthest corner of my psyche a long time ago. But what this process is bringing up are the realisations around my acts of emotional neglect towards my child. • I understand that guilt is a useless, so to speak, feeling. And in the context of my own childhood neglect and trauma - I did not know what I was doing. In the same way I was oblivious to my own emotional needs, I was also oblivious to my son's. Not always but often, perhaps when he needed me the most. • The thing is, I couldn't have known. I couldn't have done otherwise. I was doing everything to my best knowledge and experience. It really isn't my fault. It isn't anybody's fault. But the feelings are strong and I found myself really upset this morning. I believe it's more grief than guilt that I'm feeling. • I have to focus on self-forgiveness and compassion. I couldn't have done better since I didn't know any better. I am imperfect and make mistakes, like every other human being, and I need not criticise and berate myself. I am willing to work and change and heal so I can improve my son's and my own life. • See, I never had this chance as a child, I never had this mother that I am today for my son. This already changes the narrative and makes me feel better, hopeful. That my son and I now have better chances. That we can really thrive. 💜 Cont in comments ⤵⤵
  • Remember that you're doing your best in any given moment. If you're like me and you're a survivor of trauma and/or abuse and neglect, it's very likely that you give yourself a hard time over almost anything. You've been taught to strive for perfection, you've been programmed to sacrifice yourself for others, you've been told you're never good enough. These messages have distorted your perception of yourself and your reality. • That this is not the truth of who you are. It's simply a distorted image and you can break through it. You can set yourself free. When you find yourself in moments of self-criticism and judgement, remember the above message. Compassion and empathy towards yourself will go a long way. 💜
  • What are the stories you tell yourself about your worth? Do you believe your worthiness is tied in to the achievements and goals you accomplish? Do you believe you're worth nothing if you you're not productive, you're not working, your ”numbers" are not high enough (even your followers count)? Do you believe you're a failure because you're not "successful" enough, not as much as others? • These are the stories we tell ourselves if we've been emotionally neglected, abused and traumatised as children. These are the messages we've internalised from our parents/caregivers who were also trapped in the same narratives. These are the legacies we're still carrying and possibly leaving and passing on to our children. • If we don't awaken to our traumas. If we don't heal ourselves from those generational legacies. If we don't raise our awareness and start reparenting ourselves. • Your worth is undeniable, unquestionable, unconditional. Your worth is your birthright. I know it's hard to undo what has been done but it's possible. It's possible to rewrite these narratives, it's possible to break the generational cycle, it's possible to heal these toxic legacies. • (Astrologically speaking, we're supported to do that by tomorrow's eclipse and the aspects it's making + Mercury retrograde mode at the moment). Sending y'all love 💕
  • 🎡THE TRUTH ABOUT CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL NEGLECT🎡 . Here are some quotes from the book "Running On Empty: Overcoming Your Childhood Emotional Neglect" by @drjonicewebb . 1. "The truth is, people suffering from Emotional Neglect are in pain." . 2. "There is a good explanation for why Emotional Neglect has been so overlooked. IT HIDES. It dwells in the sins of omission, rather than commission; it's the white space in the family picture rather than the picture itself. It's often what was NOT said or observed or remembered from childhood, rather than what WAS said." . 3. "All parents commit occasional acts of Emotional Neglect in raising their children without causing any real harm. It only becomes a problem when it is of a great enough breadth or quantity to gradually emotionally "starve" the child." . 4. "Many emotionally neglected children have parents who love them very much and provide them with every physical need. But part of parenting is seeing your child for who he is: not only noticing the things that he's good at, but also noticing the things that are hardest for him, and putting in the effort to make sure that he addresses those. Many emotionally neglectful parents are very caring, but simply ARE NOT INVOLVED WITH THEIR CHILD AT THAT LEVEL." . 5. "The definition of "neglect", according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, is "to give little attention or respect or to disregard; to leave unattended to, especially through carelessness." . Your trauma and pain are valid and very real but they could be overcome. 🙏💜🎡 . 📷 @chingonamanifest
  • 🙏 . To effectively parent my children, I had to abandon my need to be a mother... Your children are not your mini-me's. They are not here to re-live or re-create your life. They have their own divine plan. Yes, there are aspects of you that you see within them, for they serve as a mirror for you. A reflection, not a re-creation. Your role as a parent is to help cultivate your children's innate gifts and talents, providing guidance to enhance their ability to fulfill their purpose. . We create obstacles when we want a redo on aspects of our childhood, vicariously through our children. This is a selfish act. That time for you has passed and healing is required, not a do over. Your role is not to program them to be just like you, but to share your experiences. Share your strengths/weaknesses, challenges/accomplishments, obstacles/triumphs. This is how they learn and decide to incorporate the aspects of you that best suit them. . Your children observing you is not enough. The notion of parenting by being a good role model is mediocre. Your children deserve more. They need to experience your parenting. What does it feel like to them, not just what they see... and what they see it up to their interpretation because observations are filtered through their perspective. Thus, this is why it is important for you to share your experiences. Have candid conversations (age appropriate of course), but let them know who you are in addition to being a parent, mother or father. Who are you as an individual, and how do your children come to know this? . . . #drdovesays #blacktherapist #blackmentalhealth #blackwellness #blackawareness #blackconsciousness #therapyforblackgirls #blackmentalhealthmatters #spirituality #blackspirituality #africanspirituality #soulhealing #soulwork #enlightenment #mindfulness #childhoodtrauma #healthyself #consciousparenting #spiritualparenting #blackparents #blackchildren #mentalhealth #intergenerationaltrauma #innerchildhealing #innerchild #reprogramming #reparenting Reposted from @drdovesays
  • 🌻 EMOTIONAL NEEDS & CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL NEGLECT 🌻 Diving deeper and deeper in the subject, I start to understand that there isn't anything wrong with me for often feeling unseen, underappreciated and taken for granted by even my closest people. I never knew I could actually require more of them. I thought it's all my fault for being "like this", for wanting and needing more from my intimate relationships. I thought I was a burden, that I'm never happy, that I just want too much and can't appreciate what I have. • Now I understand I couldn't be more wrong. Learning more about Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), I see where I'm getting all these beliefs from and that they're dead wrong. That having emotional needs and attempting to meet them is absolutely normal and necessary for our thriving. Our emotions and emotional connections are the fuel for a content, meaningful life. It's no wonder that we often describe the feeling of not being emotionally (ful)filled and connected as emptiness. 💕
  • A throwback to last year in Greece ⛵ Wish I was there 🏖🐬💦
  • NO is a beautiful empowering word, sometimes a full sentence, we needn't be afraid to use more often. Less YES to others and more YES to ourselves is what I'm saying 🎶 Have a stunning week y'all 💕 . . 📷 @words_with_kings
  • Indeed, we may have internalised a lot of our parents' beliefs about ourselves, others and the world in general. Our parents' limitations and fears might have become our own too. • Don't mix potential with fear, don't mix growth with pain. If you're finding yourself struggling with progress and change, examine your belief system. If you don't receive support from your parents become the parent you wish you had. • Talk to yourself the way you would to your children. Talk to yourself the way you wish your parents would. It's possible to reparent yourself and heal your inner child. It's possible to free yourself from your parents' and your own limiting beliefs.⚡⚡
  • 💜 MEETING OUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS 💜 The missing link in healing childhood trauma and emotional neglect/deprivation • As survivors of childhood emotional trauma we may not know that to have emotional needs is normal, that we do actually have them and that indentifying and fulfilling them is crucial in healing ourselves and our recovery. • This realisation came to me after my last therapy session. I was seriously triggered by something there and felt pretty bad after leaving. But what I've so far learned during my therapy as an adult child who has suffered emotional neglect is that my emotional needs were never adequately met by my caregivers. • This gave me the insight that I don't even know I have emotional needs and that I can actually work towards satisfying them - expressing them in front of others, asking for help and support, giving myself time and space to fulfill them. • This process further gave me insight that I'm also unaware of my son's emotional needs most of the time. I make sure he eats, sleeps, goes out, plays, learns, etc. in healthy doses but there's more to parenting healthy children. Realising and fulfilling their emotional needs is crucial in order for them to grow into emotionally mature and mentally stable individuals. • Now, I feel with and within my mind, body, and soul that it's absolutely OK to need something, to ask for it, or to state a boundary (or to simply say no) with someone in order to fulfill that need. It certainly isn't selfish and it doesn't make you a bad person if you put yourself and your needs first before others('). People won't love you more if you put yourself last and they won't love you less if you express and pursue your needs. • Self-sacrifice isn't and will never be Love 💜
  • Hey guys! These are the powerful words of Tanya @_theycallherlove & I wanted to make sure that you read her inspiring healing story which you can access through the link in my bio (or subscribe to the newsletter if you want to receive healthy healing doses directly in your inbox!) • To me Tanya is a true warrior goddess, she's been through so much pain, abuse and trauma, yet she finds the courage, strength and grace to share her wisdom with others with the hope to help them heal and break free from their pain. • Once again, thanks Tanya for taking the time to guest post on my blog ❤ And you guys, go check out this amazing lady and make sure to read her interview. Lots of love, V. 💋

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  • As I am diving deeper into Schema Therapy (Google it out!) and reading the book Reinventing Your Life by its creator Dr Jeffrey Young, which is about working with our original fears (e.g. early maladaptive schemas), I'm starting to understand so much about the way I was raised and the type of parenthood I received. And I'm understanding ONE FUNDAMENTAL thing that the majority of people, especially girls and women, have received as a lesson: ⤵⤵⤵⤵ "If you put your needs first before others' (namely your parents/primary caregivers), you are SELFISH." As girls we are taught very early in life that we need to put our families first - parents, children, partners, extended family. The woman is the pillar that holds the family and as such she needs to sacrifice all her needs in the name of her family. Her own wellbeing comes second, if not last after everyone else's. ... (Pleased leave a comment if you haven't received such early programming! You're one of the few!) ... Many of us grow up without even realising this - we're doing it by default. This belief is so deeply and so early internalised that we don't even question it. And to a degree, this pattern of behaviour is right - we care about the people we love and naturally we want to take care of them, nurture them. ... But that behaviour isn't right, and certainly isn't healthy, when it's at the expense of our wellbeing and the fulfilling of our own needs, be it physical or emotional or social. We are also human beings, like our parents, children and partners, and as such we naturally also have needs. To deny them is a denial of our nature. ... For some of you this might not be a great "discovery" but for someone who as a child has been emotionally deprived and taught that to earn love they need to put others' needs first and that they had to suppress their own ones otherwise they'll get punished, it is. This was my childhood. ... If you're one of US, you're not alone! Learning about our early programming is a step towards changing the pattern. We can break the damaging intergenerational cycle. Maybe for the time being, at that level, people needed to stick to these survival mechanisms. But we don't need to anymore🔥
  • 💔 CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL NEGLECT AND PARENTAL GUILT 💔 (vulnerable post alert) • I woke up ridden with guilt this morning. Actually, it started last night. My partner and son are visiting family in Ireland and I have a couple of days for myself at home. I spoke to them just before going to bed and after we finished, my mind was flooded with worrisome thoughts. • The thoughts just came, seemingly out of nowhere. I've been processing something HUGE the past few days after my last therapy + EMDR session (I'll share about this separately). I've been processing my own original wound or the "tumour" stuck in my chest, as I called it. I came face to face with the source of all of my pain - my early childhood emotional trauma + neglect. • That's a good thing and I'm glad I opened the door towards what has been neatly packaged and carefully tucked away at the furthest corner of my psyche a long time ago. But what this process is bringing up are the realisations around my acts of emotional neglect towards my child. • I understand that guilt is a useless, so to speak, feeling. And in the context of my own childhood neglect and trauma - I did not know what I was doing. In the same way I was oblivious to my own emotional needs, I was also oblivious to my son's. Not always but often, perhaps when he needed me the most. • The thing is, I couldn't have known. I couldn't have done otherwise. I was doing everything to my best knowledge and experience. It really isn't my fault. It isn't anybody's fault. But the feelings are strong and I found myself really upset this morning. I believe it's more grief than guilt that I'm feeling. • I have to focus on self-forgiveness and compassion. I couldn't have done better since I didn't know any better. I am imperfect and make mistakes, like every other human being, and I need not criticise and berate myself. I am willing to work and change and heal so I can improve my son's and my own life. • See, I never had this chance as a child, I never had this mother that I am today for my son. This already changes the narrative and makes me feel better, hopeful. That my son and I now have better chances. That we can really thrive. 💜 Cont in comments ⤵⤵
  • Remember that you're doing your best in any given moment. If you're like me and you're a survivor of trauma and/or abuse and neglect, it's very likely that you give yourself a hard time over almost anything. You've been taught to strive for perfection, you've been programmed to sacrifice yourself for others, you've been told you're never good enough. These messages have distorted your perception of yourself and your reality. • That this is not the truth of who you are. It's simply a distorted image and you can break through it. You can set yourself free. When you find yourself in moments of self-criticism and judgement, remember the above message. Compassion and empathy towards yourself will go a long way. 💜
  • What are the stories you tell yourself about your worth? Do you believe your worthiness is tied in to the achievements and goals you accomplish? Do you believe you're worth nothing if you you're not productive, you're not working, your ”numbers" are not high enough (even your followers count)? Do you believe you're a failure because you're not "successful" enough, not as much as others? • These are the stories we tell ourselves if we've been emotionally neglected, abused and traumatised as children. These are the messages we've internalised from our parents/caregivers who were also trapped in the same narratives. These are the legacies we're still carrying and possibly leaving and passing on to our children. • If we don't awaken to our traumas. If we don't heal ourselves from those generational legacies. If we don't raise our awareness and start reparenting ourselves. • Your worth is undeniable, unquestionable, unconditional. Your worth is your birthright. I know it's hard to undo what has been done but it's possible. It's possible to rewrite these narratives, it's possible to break the generational cycle, it's possible to heal these toxic legacies. • (Astrologically speaking, we're supported to do that by tomorrow's eclipse and the aspects it's making + Mercury retrograde mode at the moment). Sending y'all love 💕
  • 🎡THE TRUTH ABOUT CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL NEGLECT🎡 . Here are some quotes from the book "Running On Empty: Overcoming Your Childhood Emotional Neglect" by @drjonicewebb . 1. "The truth is, people suffering from Emotional Neglect are in pain." . 2. "There is a good explanation for why Emotional Neglect has been so overlooked. IT HIDES. It dwells in the sins of omission, rather than commission; it's the white space in the family picture rather than the picture itself. It's often what was NOT said or observed or remembered from childhood, rather than what WAS said." . 3. "All parents commit occasional acts of Emotional Neglect in raising their children without causing any real harm. It only becomes a problem when it is of a great enough breadth or quantity to gradually emotionally "starve" the child." . 4. "Many emotionally neglected children have parents who love them very much and provide them with every physical need. But part of parenting is seeing your child for who he is: not only noticing the things that he's good at, but also noticing the things that are hardest for him, and putting in the effort to make sure that he addresses those. Many emotionally neglectful parents are very caring, but simply ARE NOT INVOLVED WITH THEIR CHILD AT THAT LEVEL." . 5. "The definition of "neglect", according to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, is "to give little attention or respect or to disregard; to leave unattended to, especially through carelessness." . Your trauma and pain are valid and very real but they could be overcome. 🙏💜🎡 . 📷 @chingonamanifest
  • 🙏 . To effectively parent my children, I had to abandon my need to be a mother... Your children are not your mini-me's. They are not here to re-live or re-create your life. They have their own divine plan. Yes, there are aspects of you that you see within them, for they serve as a mirror for you. A reflection, not a re-creation. Your role as a parent is to help cultivate your children's innate gifts and talents, providing guidance to enhance their ability to fulfill their purpose. . We create obstacles when we want a redo on aspects of our childhood, vicariously through our children. This is a selfish act. That time for you has passed and healing is required, not a do over. Your role is not to program them to be just like you, but to share your experiences. Share your strengths/weaknesses, challenges/accomplishments, obstacles/triumphs. This is how they learn and decide to incorporate the aspects of you that best suit them. . Your children observing you is not enough. The notion of parenting by being a good role model is mediocre. Your children deserve more. They need to experience your parenting. What does it feel like to them, not just what they see... and what they see it up to their interpretation because observations are filtered through their perspective. Thus, this is why it is important for you to share your experiences. Have candid conversations (age appropriate of course), but let them know who you are in addition to being a parent, mother or father. Who are you as an individual, and how do your children come to know this? . . . #drdovesays #blacktherapist #blackmentalhealth #blackwellness #blackawareness #blackconsciousness #therapyforblackgirls #blackmentalhealthmatters #spirituality #blackspirituality #africanspirituality #soulhealing #soulwork #enlightenment #mindfulness #childhoodtrauma #healthyself #consciousparenting #spiritualparenting #blackparents #blackchildren #mentalhealth #intergenerationaltrauma #innerchildhealing #innerchild #reprogramming #reparenting Reposted from @drdovesays
  • 🌻 EMOTIONAL NEEDS & CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL NEGLECT 🌻 Diving deeper and deeper in the subject, I start to understand that there isn't anything wrong with me for often feeling unseen, underappreciated and taken for granted by even my closest people. I never knew I could actually require more of them. I thought it's all my fault for being "like this", for wanting and needing more from my intimate relationships. I thought I was a burden, that I'm never happy, that I just want too much and can't appreciate what I have. • Now I understand I couldn't be more wrong. Learning more about Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), I see where I'm getting all these beliefs from and that they're dead wrong. That having emotional needs and attempting to meet them is absolutely normal and necessary for our thriving. Our emotions and emotional connections are the fuel for a content, meaningful life. It's no wonder that we often describe the feeling of not being emotionally (ful)filled and connected as emptiness. 💕
  • A throwback to last year in Greece ⛵ Wish I was there 🏖🐬💦

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