Waving goodbye to the past
I feel the last few years are catching up with me. Many feelings are coming up to the surface for first time to be illuminated. Things I realise for a first time ever. Things sometimes too grave. My life for the past 4 years has been grave in many ways. Not only, of course, but mostly. I realise now that as soon as my relationship with my partner began, it was stifled almost in the bud. Uninvited visitors, like death, grief, anxiety, came along and didn’t leave much of a space for us to breathe as a new family. My love for my partner was suffocated. My love for my…
Coming out from the mud and continuing onward
I am grateful for where I am on my journey. I am grateful for the mud I had to come through. I am grateful for the waters that held me while I was rising up. I am grateful for the air that touched my skin upon my resurfacing. I am grateful for the roots that kept me in place. I am grateful for the process, for the journey, for the experience, for my life. On 15th October it was 7 years since the death of my mother. Here’s what I wrote: I was only 26 at the time. I remember trying to rationalise and intellectualise the shock of her…
Motherhood and enjoying the present moment
For a first time in my life I feel like I’m enjoying being a mother and my relationship with my son. I was too naive and maybe somewhat young when I became a mother. We’ve only been together with my partner for an year when I got pregnant. But we said yes to it, yes to all this family-making, children-raising thing. And it was good for a while. But soon it became clear that this isn’t what I thought it would be. It soon became clear that instead of building a family, there was a wall being built between me and everything around me. And I closed down and shut…
Breaking free of our mental prisons
I mentioned in my last post that I’ve kept myself into a sort of a mental prison. After talking to my therapist about it and going for a walk after, it came to me – another piece of the puzzle. After the dreams about my past lives, I had another few empowering dreams – one symbolising letting go of the burden I’ve been carrying by throwing things out of a backpack I’ve been carrying, and another – expressing myself freely by singing to a song I don’t remember the words of but nevertheless singing loudly and freely. To me, those dreams symbolise my emotional release of the trauma I’ve been lugging around…
A hopeful start and a pat on the back
The New 2016 Year is here! Happy new beginnings to all! Before I start fully focusing on what’s coming this year I’d like to reflect on what was achieved and accomplished during 2015. I was scribbling a draft on December 31st and finished it at 11:49 pm. I was quick to go to bed, where my son and partner were already asleep, before it was New Year because I didn’t want to greet it on my own. The draft was a sort of a painfully honest personal rant. I wrote it down for myself and part of it included some very practical resolutions we’ve made in our household (understand: laundry…
The death of the self: on toddler troubles, being human and name change
Sounds like an absurd combination of things and what does it have to do with the self? So here’s what happened last week – a mush of emotional turmoil, child’s excrement and personal transformation. My 2 1/2 year-old son Sylvian woke up in the middle of the night with a dreadful cough. He was wheezing and it sounded like he was barely able to breathe. I’ve never heard him like that, it sounded like he was suffocating. Together with my partner we wondered shall we go to the Emergency department. A short while later my son went back to sleep, still wheezing but at least able to breathe. In the morning…
The death of the Ego
I will pick up from the last note in my previous post. Coming out from a major life crisis takes a while. In fact I don’t think you are ever to come out of it in one piece. You do restore some of your wholeness but you are never the same – a part of you is dead. And this is good. But you don’t quite feel cheerful about it – you do need to mourn the loss of that part of yourself and that previous you. And it is OK to mourn for a while. But it is not OK to get stuck there. And here comes another…
