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Trauma Healing

Why holding space is so important in relationships

You may have heard the term “to hold space” for somebody. Did you fully understand what it means? How we actually do that and why is it so important?

I remember reading about it a while ago but couldn’t quite connect the dots – it just sounded abstract or something. And I’ve been seeing articles and videos on the subject circulating around social media, but it wasn’t until I had my own realisations about what relationships really are, that I fully embodied the understanding of what this term means.

As I wrote in my previous post, relationships are tools that are assigned from God to us, and signed in a contract between the participating souls, to heal our wounds while here on earth and experience transformation so we can evolve as souls.

In relationships we usually face a disowned part of ourselves and what we need to do is to welcome it back and reclaim this lost self-image. What we normally get to do is to project our “faulty” traits onto the other person in the relationship because we think those traits are too ugly to be ours and we continue pushing them away. When we realise that these traits are usually wounds from our childhood, we have the potential to heal them. By understanding that this is usually our wounded child crying for attention, we no more see our faults as demons but as what they really are – a cry for love.

Whenever we experience a difficult moment in a relationship, we need to pause and ask ourselves a few things:

  • What is this person mirroring back to me?
  • What part of myself have I overlooked and been afraid to address?
  • How can I use this situation to gain better understanding about myself?

Very often we are in the situation of holding a mirror for somebody else. And again we need to pause and ask:

  • Is this my issue or am I reflecting back to this person?
  • How can I not take this personally and shield myself?
  • How can I show them it is their own stuff without adding fuel to the fire?

If we understand that the ultimate goal in all our relationships is to help each other heal our wounds, than we’ll know there is really only one answer: love.

When we are down in the trenches and experience difficulty with somebody, we need to remember where we are all coming from. We all usually have our own wounds to heal and we are reflecting back to each other in a desperate call for love.

We need to understand in the moment how far we can go, how much we can give and how much it is our own mess and how much it is theirs. So we need to emotionally distance ourselves enough so our egos don’t get triggered and our wounds don’t get bruised.

We need to find our centre and reach the love that we are and act from there. Not react from our egos and our own wounds.

It isn’t an easy task but keeping our minds clear and our hearts open, will aid the healing process. The alternative is getting enmeshed in codependency, unhealthy dynamics and ultimately toxic emotional environments.

When we struggle and feel overwhelmed in those environments, we can say a simple prayer in our minds and ask for guidance in this situation.

“Please, God, grant me the feeling and understanding that everything is LOVE and I am here to be a warrior of your LIGHT. I shed love and light into the darkness knowing that this is your will and I act upon it because it is my will also.”

When we detach from the ego side of the situation, and know it is NOT about uswe can step into love consciousness and hold a space for this particular person. By creating a safe environment they will have the strength to face their own demons, see them for what they really are and heal them forever.

By being warriors of light we witness other’s and our own beautiful transformation. We see the butterfly grow wings and fly free.

Have you ever felt you’re projecting your shadow onto somebody? Do you find yourself often mirroring back? Share in the comments! 


Vilina Christoph is a spiritual writer and uses the power of words to help others on their journey of healing and recovery. She distills challenging life experiences into meaningful lessons and practical wisdom. She believes that finding our voices and speaking our truth empowers us to transform our lives and reach long-lasting fulfillment.

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