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An unexpected healing experience during the holiday season
I am writing this on 31 December 2018 and so far this holiday season has proven unexpected. For first time ever my partner, son and I got to stay at home for the holidays. No travelling, no other people’s traditions or expectations – we put the start and foundation of our family tradition. This is something I’ve longed for for a very long time. I’ve never had a strong family of my own and I barely have any memories of our time together, if there was any “togetherness” at all. Having my own family has always been like a guiding star for me – something I’ve always, even subconsciously, strived for.…
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Setting ourselves free from the pain of the past
I’ve spent a good deal of time digging up my past, exploring my psyche and searching for answers and truth. I found a lot of pain, sadness, hurt and sorrow. Not only that, of course, but I’ve been focused mainly on the difficult aspects since I wanted to heal them and release myself from the emotional prison I’ve lived in my whole life. For the first part of our life we don’t realise any of this, we simply act out these painful aspects of our past that were lodged into our subconscious. Sooner or later something happens to us to wake us up, become aware and heal the pain that’s…
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Waving goodbye to the past
I feel the last few years are catching up with me. Many feelings are coming up to the surface for first time to be illuminated. Things I realise for a first time ever. Things sometimes too grave. My life for the past 4 years has been grave in many ways. Not only, of course, but mostly. I realise now that as soon as my relationship with my partner began, it was stifled almost in the bud. Uninvited visitors, like death, grief, anxiety, came along and didn’t leave much of a space for us to breathe as a new family. My love for my partner was suffocated. My love for my…
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Sacred Mothering: how to be a soulful mother on a spiritual path
For a long time I’ve lived two separate lives – a life of an unfolding spiritual journey and purpose and a life as an everyday mother, partner and housewife. The first one happens mostly within me and I get to share it here with you, my readers and online friends, but I don’t express much outwardly in my day-to-day doings. The second life happens in the hours when I’m not working on myself or writing down my discoveries and realisations – it happens when I pick up my son from kindergarten and we spend the afternoons together outside or at home. Those two lives sometimes clash with each other and…
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Motherhood and enjoying the present moment
For a first time in my life I feel like I’m enjoying being a mother and my relationship with my son. I was too naive and maybe somewhat young when I became a mother. We’ve only been together with my partner for an year when I got pregnant. But we said yes to it, yes to all this family-making, children-raising thing. And it was good for a while. But soon it became clear that this isn’t what I thought it would be. It soon became clear that instead of building a family, there was a wall being built between me and everything around me. And I closed down and shut…
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To my dear child
I thought I was coping with my reality until I realised that I was just trying to escape from it. The key to enjoying my life is to actually embrace it, as it is. I was running away from you, thinking you were the problem. When in fact, you are the one who will hold me through the problem. Regardless of everything else, I have the greatest gift of life – you, my child. My son – my mirror, my reflection. All my pain projected onto you. I called you many things – all projections of what I’ve been hurting from in my life and relationships. My dear child, you’re…
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Coming full circle
Last time I mentioned I couldn’t wait for my holidays away from the city and all that has been happening for the last few months. Now, it’s been two weeks into August and I’m just starting to feel some sort of relief and relaxation. It was somewhat hectic and messy so far actually. My son and I are currently staying in my granny’s house where we spent our winter with my partner just after we moved from Ireland to Bulgaria and before we moved to the capital. My father was also here but left today and the house has quietened down a bit, hence being able to write. My son…
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Working with the inner child: illuminations and release
I’m nearly finished with my Inner Child Therapy. It’s been more than 10 weeks now and it’s been illuminating. It wasn’t as scary and traumatic as I was picturing it but it has been eye-opening and sometimes heart-breaking. I’ve had numerous “aha” moments, things I would’ve probably never known haven’t I done the work. In a way my realisations were more simple, and perhaps even quite common, than I have expected. Nevertheless, it’s been mind-boggling. The two main themes in terms of what I received or didn’t receive from my parents are described below. From my father: My father was busy and occupied with his work. His work was his…
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Identifying triggers and breaking free from the past
I’m realising I’ve been a prisoner of my past. More or less, everyone of us is. Until the time we decide we’re not and we break free. I am seeing how experiences from my past determine the way I act on daily basis, or more accurately – re-act. Doing the inner child work opens a lot of closed doors – you start seeing and understanding why and how. You see your present self as a projection of your past – you’re nothing more but a shadow of a past self but you’re not your self. But it’s not really meant to be like this. Although we are connected to our…
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Inner Child Therapy: Working with the father and mother roles
Sessions number two and three from my Working with the Inner Child therapy were about getting into the role of the father and the mother and voicing everything that comes through: their words, messages, lessons, ways of punishment and rewarding, etc. In the session when I had to “be” my father I could barely find any words he had said to me when I was young. I was remembering messages from older years very clearly but I couldn’t get back to the early years of my childhood. During the session, feeling my inner child, I felt distance at first. Like my dad wanted to say something but he kept it inside,…
