Last Monday I applied for a job position as a writer. It’s been many years since I worked as an employee and I’ve experienced a fair bit of disappointments on the professional front. But I thought all this was behind me now and since the opportunity was ticking my boxes and I met the requirements, I went for it with my best intentions. The hiring company was the online publication Bright Side and they wanted me to pass a test. After a couple of days of communicating with the HR, a broken link, and a slight delay, I got to the challenge.
I didn’t pass it.
But let me start from the beginning.
When I first looked at the Bright Side website I did not feel IT – it didn’t feel like the content I wished to create and read. My first impression was that it was just about churning out clickable content – everything that supposedly gets people’s attention. It felt like a machine relying on the concept that we should all be happy and positive and using the “good vibes only” trend for profit and popularity.
In my world both light and dark, positive and negative, are important.
I normally consider myself someone on the “darker side” of things, if only because of what I’ve been through in my life and the depths I’ve explored. I’m not that dark as I’d like to think of myself but joke aside, I did not feel IT.
My rational mind decided that it’s still worth giving it a shot – if nothing else, at least it will be a valuable experience, an opportunity to further hone my skills, collaborate with others, and, not lastly, earn some bucks.
The day I sat the test started with me worrying about my son’s and everybody else’s living in this city wellbeing. The air was badly polluted again, causing him some irritation and a cough. What a nightmare! That made me spiral into further worry and led me to asking myself whether I want to live like this. I started thinking of leaving this city until they get their stuff together here and before we all develop respiratory complications. What if I can work from the “home office”? Perhaps find a “brighter” place than smoggy Sofia?
As the day progressed I had to go through another offsetting situation which further led me down the spiral. When I sat to do the test I was already stressed and primed for more “disaster”. Still, I composed myself and before I started I said a prayer. I prayed that if this was the right opportunity that I’d serve as a vessel for what needs to come through me, and if it’s not – I’ll accept it and trust that the right one will come.
The time for the challenge was set and I felt pressured throughout it. I rushed some of the answers just to fit in the time limit. At the end I had 39 seconds left and a result of 64 percent. And instant reply and rejection followed – “Thank you, unfortunately, try again in six months’ time”.
It happened all too quickly and even though I was mentally prepared, it did hit me in a vulnerable spot. What the rejection brought to me was all the disappointments I’ve already experienced on the work front years ago in Ireland. I was not disappointed that this particular opportunity didn’t work out but I was flooded by the emotion of the past letdowns.
I understood almost suddenly that what had just surfaced needed to be looked at before I start any work.
I felt that this part of me, the one that has been rejected on many occasions in the past, needed some deep healing, some strong and hard love. She was still hurting and the wound was still bleeding. I had bandaged it and haven’t looked at it for years but now it needed proper tending.
I felt deep sadness but not because I was rejected again. I felt sadness because I’ve felt rejected so many times before and that part of me was still in pain. I saw her, I acknowledged her, I felt so sorry for her suffering, I embraced her, I loved her. And I instantly knew I’m going to write about it and that this is the content I want to create.
It might not be bright but it’s certainly multicolour, and it’s definitely ME.
How good are you at accepting and loving yourself fully? Do you struggle with rejection? Share in the comments.0