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“If I only could make them happy…”
My inner journey of healing and discovery is reaching a turning point. For the past 5 years, I’ve been digging and going deeper and more inward like it was my job. And it was my full-time job – I’ve taken this task of nurturing self-understanding and awareness so seriously, it became my primary focus and priority. Layer by layer, I’ve been stripping old programmes, paradigms, and conditioning. I was determined to get to the core of things, to the root of all pain and ailments, emotional and psychological. Last year in September, I stumbled upon one piece of the puzzle – my mother had suffered from a mental condition and…
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The Wonder List: Goal, Gratitude, Inspiration & Affirmation for the Month of May
“The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and to let it come in.” ~ Morrie Schwartz Hey everyone! I can’t believe it’s already May and the spring is in full swing! In Bulgaria, this is one of the months with the most holidays and days off. I’m just back from some travelling in the country and some much needed reconnecting with nature. I spent a few days at my father’s house and if you’ve been following my posts, you know we have a “story” with him. Every time I visit, there is some unfolding and clarity gained and this time was no different.…
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Interview with Laura Lee: Therapist and Coach at Scapegoats Anonymous
Laura and I connected through Instagram a while ago and she’s definitely made my feed feel educational and enriching. Her posts are full of gems of wisdom and her self-awareness is inspiring. What I didn’t know about her was her “subtle” sense of humour 🙂 Here are Laura’s own words: Tell us a little about your life journey. I grew up in Brooklyn in a low-income family with middle-class amenities. The streets of Brooklyn are like the lines on the palm of my hand: imprinted on me, ingrained in my soul, and with so many divergent paths. I’m the daughter of immigrants, my mother from Italy and my father from Korea.…
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Interview with Amie Johnson: Trauma survivor and a host of The HeART of Healing podcast
I “met” with Amie via Instagram and instantly felt we have much in common. She’s recently come out of years of dealing with trauma symptoms and mental health (mis)diagnoses and is moving on in her healing journey. I always appreciate her heartfelt and honest posts, and find much wisdom in her words and story. Here are Amie’s own words: Tell us a little bit about your life journey. This question always gets me! I’ll give you the “nutshell version.” I was born and raised in a small, beach town in West Michigan. My childhood was a strange dichotomy of idyllic and awful. I had an emotionally and physically abusive dad, and…
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The Wonder List: Goal, Gratitude, Inspiration & Affirmation for the Month of March
“What actually sustain us, what is fundamentally beautiful, is compassion for yourself and for those around you.” ~ Lupita Nyong’o Goal for the month: Garnering inspiration, building healthy habits and continuing to practice your craft. Things I’m grateful for and bring me joy: ♥ Standing up for myself and fiercely loving myself ♥ Speaking up my truth without fearing rejection ♥ Honest conversations with loved ones ♥ Voicing concerns and venting frustrations ♥ Quiet and minimal places ♥ No distraction and noises ♥ Fresh air and blue skies ♥ Playing with my son on the floor ♥ Making coffee and cooking breakfast ♥ Drinking tea in the park ♥ Setting up an editorial calendar ♥ Inspiration flow ♥ Bulding momentum ♥…
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An unexpected healing experience during the holiday season
I am writing this on 31 December 2018 and so far this holiday season has proven unexpected. For first time ever my partner, son and I got to stay at home for the holidays. No travelling, no other people’s traditions or expectations – we put the start and foundation of our family tradition. This is something I’ve longed for for a very long time. I’ve never had a strong family of my own and I barely have any memories of our time together, if there was any “togetherness” at all. Having my own family has always been like a guiding star for me – something I’ve always, even subconsciously, strived for.…
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How childhood trauma robs your power away and how to take it back
This summer I spent about a month at my father’s house with my son. It wasn’t our first time and, as I’d expected, it was tumultuous. A part of me knew it was time to stand up to some of the dysfunction in my family of origin and confront it. I could only hope that this experience was going to bring me some resolutions and it would prove empowering. And it did. For the first week or so the usual, generations-old, themes of guilt and shame, insecurity and inadequacy were saturating the air until it came to a boil. There were tears and screaming, anger and pain – suppressed emotions and…
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How trauma and codependency in childhood can cause toxic mommy guilt
I often question why I feel so much guilt as a mother towards my little boy. It’s not only crippling my own experience of being a mother but also sending inaccurate messages to my son which shape the way he views himself and the world. I feel stricken with guilt every time I feel the effects of my trauma. I blame myself for not being able to shake off the sadness or depression I feel, for the anger that sometimes I can’t hold or the negativity that my critical mind is keeping me a captive to. I feel shame every time I’m not at my best for letting my son down. When…
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The shame around being a “bad mother”
Sometimes I resent being a mother. That is not to say that I don’t love my child. Unlike my mother and some mothers who can’t love, I do love my son. With all my heart and soul, always and forever. I believe all mothers have moments when they resent motherhood. I believe that the contemporary expectation to be a non-stop happy and vibrant mother is not only unrealistic, it’s also severely shaming and stigmatising. It makes natural temporary feelings of dissatisfaction or unfulfillment fester into gnawing guilt. That makes me think how terribly unprepared and largely delusional so many mothers enter into motherhood, including me. I wanted my child with…
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Turning seasons and the possibility of new horizons
Weather in Bulgaria has turned and it’s been really chilly for the last couple of days – we woke up to a 1°C/33°F morning in Sofia. It will be getting slightly warmer next week but, even so, autumn is upon us. I just flipped the calendar into October (although there’s a few more days) because I usually remember to do it when we’re well into the new month so I used this rare opportunity of remembering in advance. Doing this I flashbacked to when I first put the calendar up on the wall early in January. And here we are, just a few more days and we will be in…
