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An unexpected healing experience during the holiday season
I am writing this on 31 December 2018 and so far this holiday season has proven unexpected. For first time ever my partner, son and I got to stay at home for the holidays. No travelling, no other people’s traditions or expectations – we put the start and foundation of our family tradition. This is something I’ve longed for for a very long time. I’ve never had a strong family of my own and I barely have any memories of our time together, if there was any “togetherness” at all. Having my own family has always been like a guiding star for me – something I’ve always, even subconsciously, strived for.…
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How childhood trauma robs your power away and how to take it back
This summer I spent about a month at my father’s house with my son. It wasn’t our first time and, as I’d expected, it was tumultuous. A part of me knew it was time to stand up to some of the dysfunction in my family of origin and confront it. I could only hope that this experience was going to bring me some resolutions and it would prove empowering. And it did. For the first week or so the usual, generations-old, themes of guilt and shame, insecurity and inadequacy were saturating the air until it came to a boil. There were tears and screaming, anger and pain – suppressed emotions and…
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How trauma and codependency in childhood can cause toxic mommy guilt
I often question why I feel so much guilt as a mother towards my little boy. It’s not only crippling my own experience of being a mother but also sending inaccurate messages to my son which shape the way he views himself and the world. I feel stricken with guilt every time I feel the effects of my trauma. I blame myself for not being able to shake off the sadness or depression I feel, for the anger that sometimes I can’t hold or the negativity that my critical mind is keeping me a captive to. I feel shame every time I’m not at my best for letting my son down. When…
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The shame around being a “bad mother”
Sometimes I resent being a mother. That is not to say that I don’t love my child. Unlike my mother and some mothers who can’t love, I do love my son. With all my heart and soul, always and forever. I believe all mothers have moments when they resent motherhood. I believe that the contemporary expectation to be a non-stop happy and vibrant mother is not only unrealistic, it’s also severely shaming and stigmatising. It makes natural temporary feelings of dissatisfaction or unfulfillment fester into gnawing guilt. That makes me think how terribly unprepared and largely delusional so many mothers enter into motherhood, including me. I wanted my child with…
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Turning seasons and the possibility of new horizons
Weather in Bulgaria has turned and it’s been really chilly for the last couple of days – we woke up to a 1°C/33°F morning in Sofia. It will be getting slightly warmer next week but, even so, autumn is upon us. I just flipped the calendar into October (although there’s a few more days) because I usually remember to do it when we’re well into the new month so I used this rare opportunity of remembering in advance. Doing this I flashbacked to when I first put the calendar up on the wall early in January. And here we are, just a few more days and we will be in…
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What I learned from my physical and mental instability episode
(Long post alert) I’m just back from my holidays in Greece. We spent 11 days on the stunning islands in the Ionian sea on west coast of the country. I’d been prepping for this journey for months, organising diligently and planning fervently. I’ve waited passionately and eagerly until the day came. The complications started on the day before our trip. It appeared that our car’s documents were out of date and needed to be renewed. It was Saturday and we were supposed to leave the next day, Sunday. We decided not to risk passing the border with invalid documents so had to wait till the offices opened on Monday. That…
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Web Wonderland No.7: Back from holidays, stand-up-real-talk comedy, and unleashing our women’s power
Hey guys! I’m just back from our holidays in the wonderful land of Greece. My family and I spent 10 days on the Ionian island of Lefkada with a short one-day trip to the islands Kefalonia + Ithaka. Now, I’m still processing the journey and I feel it deserves its own proper post. Peculiar things happened to me while I was there and I’m still not able to put them into words. What inspired me to write this post was a few talks I was having with my partner, a talk/stand-up comedy show I watched and an article on the just passed solar eclipse and new moon. I’d like to…
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Interview with Kathy Garland: blogger, writer and inspirational author at Kwoted
I met Kathy in the wonderful blogging world and loved her stories and insights from first sight. I quickly committed to reading her blog Kwoted regularly and have never wasted my time – it’s full of practical wisdom, grounded spirituality, brilliant inspiration and deep transformation. I have the opportunity and pleasure to interview her and learn more about her healing journey. Here are Kathy’s own words: Tell us a little bit about your life journey. I was born and raised on the west side of Chicago. Shortly after I turned sixteen, my mother died from complications with kidney disease. A year after that, my father gave up his parental rights…
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Setting ourselves free from the pain of the past
I’ve spent a good deal of time digging up my past, exploring my psyche and searching for answers and truth. I found a lot of pain, sadness, hurt and sorrow. Not only that, of course, but I’ve been focused mainly on the difficult aspects since I wanted to heal them and release myself from the emotional prison I’ve lived in my whole life. For the first part of our life we don’t realise any of this, we simply act out these painful aspects of our past that were lodged into our subconscious. Sooner or later something happens to us to wake us up, become aware and heal the pain that’s…
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Finding your authentic blend of expression
Do you sometimes wonder who you are? I often catch myself thinking: “I want to know what my life purpose is!” Who am I? Why am I here? What am I here to do? I’m telling you it can quickly get very tiring and overwhelming. But still I wonder. You see, there’s this part of me that simply wishes to transcend the material. In other words, there’s this deep knowing that the material aspect of our life isn’t the full and whole picture. There’s so much more to our existence. And I just can’t put up with serving only to my material needs. Actually, I tent to ignore my physical…
