Last Thursday I started Inner Child Work with a therapist.
We will be meeting for 10 sessions over 10 weeks. As it normally happens, I found this person “randomly” (I believe through an Instagram post, which is somewhat odd). I followed through the post, went to her website and found some really nice blog posts and stories.
Of course, the Inner Child Work just struck me on the spot and instantly I knew I had to do it. That happened some time in January. And even that it took us a little while to move and settle in Sofia, I knew I shouldn’t change my mind and get in touch with this person.
I knew the time has come for me to look into my deepest pains from my early childhood. Something I probably wouldn’t have done just myself. I knew I’ve reached a certain depth in my own explorations but for some stuff I wanted and needed support and guidance.
I didn’t hesitate for a minute and so last week we had our first meeting. I loved the person, I loved what we did, and was fascinated by the experience and the outcome.
I’ve always feared that I’ve buried down most of my memories from 0 to 8 (10) years for a reason. It is true that I don’t really remember much, not to mention anything positive.
Recently I tried to remember any birthdays before the age of 10 and couldn’t remember anything.
No parties, no presents, no cakes, no candles… No birthday wishes…
I don’t know why… And I was surprised and saddened by this fact very much. Certainly, you will have some memories from the age of 4 or 5. Why didn’t I remember?
The only reason I could think of was that there was nothing to remember. Nothing much really happened. No celebrations, no occasions, no gatherings.
I don’t know why… And I can’t really change the past.
But I can try giving myself what I perhaps didn’t receive as a small child.
Our session last week started with a meditation. A very long meditation that took me through my early 20’s, then my teenage years, then early school years, and lastly to my first home. There we went through every room, I saw my mother and my father and both of them together.
Then at the end I saw my inner little girl. She was playing on the ground in the corner of the room with a doll. She was alone and the whole apartment felt very empty and quiet. There was no smell of cooking, no noise from laughter or talking, no warmth, no presence.
When she turned to see me, she jumped and we moulded into a big warm hug. I held her like I was holding my child, she melted into me.
I’ve feared that this moment could be very sad, heavy or dark. But what I’ve felt in reality was deep emotion and the feeling that could be described with the words: AT LAST! and WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG! and I AM SO GLAD THAT YOU’RE HERE!
A long awaited meeting and embrace. It was quite cathartic.
Now I never what to let go of that child anymore. I just want to hold her all the time. I never want to leave her again. I want to give her all my love.
She is in me and she will never feel alone again.
Part of my homework for the next session was to buy a toy that will represent my inner child when we do further work. It had to be something that really resonates with me and since I saw myself playing with a doll the therapist suggested I buy one.
Yesterday I went to look for a doll. After looking at all the super fancy Barbie-like dolls I did find one that really spoke to me. Most of them were really scary-fashionista-princess-sparkles-all-over but this one was modest and brown haired.
Now I have a dolly! And the strangely exciting thing is that this act really meant something. Going to buy yourself a toy is like a real treat for the child that we all harbour inside of us. It is something you will never let or allow yourself to do – you’re a grown up after all.
But the fact I did go to look for it purposefully and just for myself (and my inner child) meant so much. It is strange but it’s great. It feels like a part of me had been nurtured and nourished. I gave myself some love by doing this solely for myself. It really is symbolic.
And now every time I look at that doll I will know what it means and represents – my love for myself.
The most incredible thing is that after the session I felt this very strong urge to draw and paint. I responded to this call and bought some paints and a notepad.
The first thing I drew was a big red heart – a daily reminder that is now hanged in our apartment to remind us that all we all need is a bit more love everyday.