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Acceptance: the path to change
“If you want to see change in your life, accept it as it is.” Lately, I find myself wanting yet another change in my life. I live in a city. About an year ago my family and I moved to Sofia, Bulgaria. It happens to be one of the most polluted capitals in Europe. I’ve started feeling the dust and the dirt of the city polluting my own life and state of mind. I find myself wanting to move again. I want to go far from the smog, the noise, the cruelty, and the trickery. Our family has suffered a few blows on our property, we’ve been stolen from, and…
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Memoir: Four
Since my son was born I lived in fear, fear of the final news. I started having anxiety and panic attacks. I would become short of breath out of the blue and wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. I could just try to catch my breath, get control over it. But it didn’t always work. This continued two years. I’ve missed so many moments of my son’s first two years. I simply couldn’t enjoy it, I was haunted by death every moment since he was born. I remember the pivotal moments of the first outing, first solid foods, first steps, first words, but anything in between is mostly…
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Waving goodbye to the past
I feel the last few years are catching up with me. Many feelings are coming up to the surface for first time to be illuminated. Things I realise for a first time ever. Things sometimes too grave. My life for the past 4 years has been grave in many ways. Not only, of course, but mostly. I realise now that as soon as my relationship with my partner began, it was stifled almost in the bud. Uninvited visitors, like death, grief, anxiety, came along and didn’t leave much of a space for us to breathe as a new family. My love for my partner was suffocated. My love for my…
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Memoir: Three
I spent 9 years living in Ireland, most of my adult life so far. I learned a lot. Here are some of the things I learned while there, for better or worse: I learned to drink tea with milk – in my home country we mainly drink herbal teas. It took me a good few years to accept the idea of “milky tea”. I learned to eat fried/scrambled eggs for breakfast, sometimes with beans, sausages, or bacon – where I come from we call this a packed-full lunch. I learned to apologise when somebody bumps INTO me – this one is really funny and when I do it here, I…
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On the brink of dawn
As we enter into 2018, I cannot quite get myself into thinking about resolutions, setting intentions or goals. I cannot even summon my mind to reflect back on the year 2017. I feel somewhere in between, not quite ready to let go of the old year and not quite there to welcome the new one. Perhaps this is natural, for some of us. Just as I try and think about what the past year has brought my way, I almost freeze. It’s been so much, there’s been so many lessons, too many experiences and feelings. I don’t know if I can summarise all of it in one post, one sentence,…
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Memoir: Two
When I first looked I saw one line and instantly felt relief. But when I looked closer, I could barely see the pale second line. It was positive. I was sitting on the toilet seat in the bathroom and the reality of what was happening started hitting me. I was pregnant. Once the initial panic passed, I could feel an excitement. It wasn’t a bad thing, I thought. I do love him. Of all men I’ve been with, he’s the only one I would like to have children with. I know we’ve been both silently thinking about it and agreeing on the possibility of it one day. But that day…
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Memoir: One
I went to Ireland because I was following a dream, an instinct, but most of all, I think I was following my soul’s whispers. Ireland thought me some of my greatest lessons. It set up the stage for a personal transformation to happen. My soul led me to this mysterious island so it could connect with me, so it could wake me up for my truth and my calling. Ireland also gave me the greatest gift – the gift of two soul mates, my partner and my son. They are both my greatest challengers and my deepest igniters. They hold the mirrors and the space for my awakening to take…
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Sacred Mothering: how to be a soulful mother on a spiritual path
For a long time I’ve lived two separate lives – a life of an unfolding spiritual journey and purpose and a life as an everyday mother, partner and housewife. The first one happens mostly within me and I get to share it here with you, my readers and online friends, but I don’t express much outwardly in my day-to-day doings. The second life happens in the hours when I’m not working on myself or writing down my discoveries and realisations – it happens when I pick up my son from kindergarten and we spend the afternoons together outside or at home. Those two lives sometimes clash with each other and…
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Coming out from the mud and continuing onward
I am grateful for where I am on my journey. I am grateful for the mud I had to come through. I am grateful for the waters that held me while I was rising up. I am grateful for the air that touched my skin upon my resurfacing. I am grateful for the roots that kept me in place. I am grateful for the process, for the journey, for the experience, for my life. On 15th October it was 7 years since the death of my mother. Here’s what I wrote: I was only 26 at the time. I remember trying to rationalise and intellectualise the shock of her…
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Motherhood and enjoying the present moment
For a first time in my life I feel like I’m enjoying being a mother and my relationship with my son. I was too naive and maybe somewhat young when I became a mother. We’ve only been together with my partner for an year when I got pregnant. But we said yes to it, yes to all this family-making, children-raising thing. And it was good for a while. But soon it became clear that this isn’t what I thought it would be. It soon became clear that instead of building a family, there was a wall being built between me and everything around me. And I closed down and shut…
